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    dots Submission Name: sure,i was always better than themdots

    Author: to-wit
    Elite Ratio:    0.59 - 27/148/488
    Words: 27
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 572
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 147


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssure,i was always better than themdots

    since i win,and i begin,time is on my side.why hide?its do or die,not bust an eye,but we can go there,if you want to,long to,and drive thru.you do?

    Submitted on 2007-07-06 10:16:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Lines would make it easer to flow though while reading. I would like it a lot if it where in line breaks. I did enjoy it though :)
    | Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by xaingua | [ Reply to This ]
      it bleeds
    | Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by to-wit | [ Reply to This ]

    what is this exactly?
    i think you have a lot of things you need to think about in this piece if you want to make it anything...

    you could think about line breaks for starters.
    you have some close to natural ones in here where you have used rhyme.

    since i win,
    and i begin,
    time is on my side.
    why hide?
    its do or die,
    not bust an eye,
    but we can go there,if you want to,
    long to,
    and drive thru.
    you do?

    but well... i dont think your rhyme does you any good here...
    for starters it seems too basic and then theres the fact that you said this was a serious piece of poetry but your rhyme makes it seem anything but.

    you need some kinda imagery in here so that the reader knows what your about. right now i have no idea but i think we end in going through the drive through... at maccas? bk? i dunno...

    since you win what?
    what did you begin?
    and how do you know time is on your side? to be so confident of such an idea you must have some indication as to why... right?
    why is it do or die? what is do or die?
    and who is around to bust your eye [or not]

    there are more questions than answers in this piece.
    i think you got some serious work to do. right now i have no idea why you posted this...
    | Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      nite nite
    | Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by to-wit | [ Reply to This ]
      it really wasn't half bad, especially for something so short. to be honest, i thought it could do without the rhyme, but i never like short poems that rhyme. it was pretty good though, not bad!
    | Posted on 2007-07-06 00:00:00 | by freddybuzzkill | [ Reply to This ]

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