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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Never Forget, Never Regretdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Specdro
    ASL Info:    28/Of Course/NY
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 21/53/38
    Words: 281
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 958
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1623



    Description:
       I am going to add to each section to make it more in depth but I just wanted some basic critisim as I finish it...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNever Forget, Never Regretdots
    -------------------------------------------


    From time to time
    You enter my mind
    Itís a face I will never forget.

    As days go by
    I will not lie
    Itís a time I will never regret.

    We were young and you were special to me
    Together we would hide behind the tree.
    As we grew older we grew apart
    And you claimed anotherís heart.
    I always hoped we would stay friends
    But we have barely spoken since we were 10

    From time to time
    You enter my mind
    Itís a face I will never forget

    As days go by
    I will not lie
    Itís a time I will never regret

    I saw you in math class, sitting in a seat
    I had to take a second look as my heart skipped a beat.
    A few days later we were introduced.
    And within the week a friendship was induced.
    I tried to be just a friend
    So you went with him in the end.

    From time to time
    You enter my mind
    Itís a face I will never forget.

    As days go by
    I will not lie
    Itís a time I will never regret.

    We finally met just before our senior year
    Went to the same damn school for 6 whole years.
    I called you mine and you called me yours
    We spent most of our time behind closed doors.
    Now I spend my life being true
    I loved you, love you, and will always love you

    From time to time
    You enter my mind
    Itís a face I will never forget.

    As days go by
    I will not lie
    Itís a time I will never regret.




    Submitted on 2007-07-06 16:01:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this, to tell you the truth. The rhyming fits the mood of the poem and it's not forced.

    What does seem forced, however, is the repetition of these six lines over and over:

    From time to time
    You enter my mind
    Itís a face I will never forget.

    As days go by
    I will not lie
    Itís a time I will never regret.

    It's a good idea to write something new in every place you have that chorus. It would be really nice to have it bridge the larger stanzas not only aesthetically but also with its content; have it move the poem from one point in your life to another.

    We were young and you were special to me
    Together we would hide behind the tree.
    As we grew older we grew apart
    And you claimed anotherís heart.
    I always hoped we would stay friends
    But we have barely spoken since we were 10

    I'd love to be able to read this stanza without tripping over the words. I think the problem is that you don't have a meter for your rhymes. What you might want to do at the very least is have a stressed-unstressed, stressed-unstressed pattern. It is easier to read a line with a pattern than without. This is how it sounds right now: we WERE YOUNG and YOU WERE SPEcial to ME. toGEther WE would HIDE beHIND the TREE. The second line follows the stressed-unstressed pattern, but the first one does not. Subsequently, you follow that rule haphazardly (and this goes for the rest of the poem). Please revise the poem with a stress pattern. It takes time but the result is worth it.

    This is how I would have written the second stanza:

    In math class I once saw you, you were sitting in your seat;
    I had to take a second look, my heart had skipped a beat.
    A few days later we were introduced.
    Within a week a friendship was induced.
    And so, to you I tried to be a friend,
    So you went with the other in the end.
    | Posted on 2007-10-07 00:00:00 | by isselman2001 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm. I agree with you, you've got to add a bit more detail to it, though the concept seems reasonable and the rhyming sounds incredibly forced. I might suggest you take a fixed form and a hacksaw to this. It might do some good for a rewrite. I have a gut feeling you can easily turn this into a song, but then again, it could just be me.
    Good try though, hope I helped with your basic criticism.
    Cheers!
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2007-07-06 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      it was a good idea and very very sweet but some of the ryhming seemed a bit forced or better words could have been used. It had a good physical aspect and imagary was present but it made me want more of a metaphorical aspect. I think it was a great start on a journy to becoming a fantabulouse writter.
    | Posted on 2007-07-06 00:00:00 | by poppi | [ Reply to This ]


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