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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

Brown Eyes, Smoke and Embers

Author:	Predator
ASL Info:	21/m/Derbyshire, England
Elite Ratio:	7.02 - 257 /198 /73
Words:	138

Class/Type:	Poetry /Misc
Total Views:	1743
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	929

Description:

Brown Eyes, Smoke and Embers

The tragic romance builds in the air and breathes through falling leaves.
Brown eyes stare through the summer night,
Dreaming of smoke and the embers dying on the fire.
Hazy eyes that you rub dry on your sleeves,
Makeup smears, clearing the smoke…

‘You have to go’
Piano plays. Fragile. Background music in your mind.
“I don’t know where”

A pause. Eyes meet.
‘Does it matter?’

The soundtrack to your life plays on
Piano and strings swirling in your head
Turning more complex and powerful

Your hand grabs the rail. You climb on up
“I love you”
You think you say over the whirling windmills
But you’ll never be sure
As the train moves on and the day closes
Backing against the door, hands held close
“I do love you,
I do…”

Submitted on 2007-07-07 17:19:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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It reminds me of the first time my bf told me he loved me. Well, sort of. I like it, though I do think the wording is a bit awkward in some places.

"Piano and strings swirling in your head
Turning intricate and powerful"

I don't really like these lines. "turning intricate", strikes me as being...very....cliché. Trite. A bit annoying.

"The tragic romance builds in the air and breathes through falling leaves."

The word "tragic" kind of made me laugh when I read it. Reminds of this time my bf and I were walking around my house, the leaves were just returning to trees after a long winter. He gave me the funniest wink, and just sort stared up at this big purple tree. Anyways, I like these lines. xD (Sorry for getting sidetracked.)

"A pause. Eyes meet."

I really like the way you worded this. Kind of like, time stops and then you come together with some one.

"As the train moves on and the day closes
Backing against the door, hands held close
“I do love you,
I do…” "

This brought tears to my eyes. Really, its so pretty. Eloquently expresses those emotions, that I so often forget. I haven't seen the boy I love in over a month. Brings me back to our last few moments together.

God, this makes me miss him so bad. Sorry, but I do love your poem. A heck of a lot.

Terrifical write!!

~Jazzy

| Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]

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Brown Eyes, Smoke and Embers

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Brown Eyes, Smoke and Embers

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