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    dots Submission Name: Brown Eyes, Smoke and Embersdots

    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1233
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 901


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    dotsBrown Eyes, Smoke and Embersdots

    The tragic romance builds in the air and breathes through falling leaves.
    Brown eyes stare through the summer night,
    Dreaming of smoke and the embers dying on the fire.
    Hazy eyes that you rub dry on your sleeves,
    Makeup smears, clearing the smoke…

    ‘You have to go’
    Piano plays. Fragile. Background music in your mind.
    “I don’t know where”

    A pause. Eyes meet.
    ‘Does it matter?’

    The soundtrack to your life plays on
    Piano and strings swirling in your head
    Turning more complex and powerful

    Your hand grabs the rail. You climb on up
    “I love you”
    You think you say over the whirling windmills
    But you’ll never be sure
    As the train moves on and the day closes
    Backing against the door, hands held close
    “I do love you,
    I do…”

    Submitted on 2007-07-07 17:19:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    It reminds me of the first time my bf told me he loved me. Well, sort of. I like it, though I do think the wording is a bit awkward in some places.

    "Piano and strings swirling in your head
    Turning intricate and powerful"

    I don't really like these lines. "turning intricate", strikes me as being...very....cliché. Trite. A bit annoying.

    "The tragic romance builds in the air and breathes through falling leaves."

    The word "tragic" kind of made me laugh when I read it. Reminds of this time my bf and I were walking around my house, the leaves were just returning to trees after a long winter. He gave me the funniest wink, and just sort stared up at this big purple tree. Anyways, I like these lines. xD (Sorry for getting sidetracked.)

    "A pause. Eyes meet."

    I really like the way you worded this. Kind of like, time stops and then you come together with some one.

    "As the train moves on and the day closes
    Backing against the door, hands held close
    “I do love you,
    I do…” "

    This brought tears to my eyes. Really, its so pretty. Eloquently expresses those emotions, that I so often forget. I haven't seen the boy I love in over a month. Brings me back to our last few moments together.

    God, this makes me miss him so bad. Sorry, but I do love your poem. A heck of a lot.

    Terrifical write!!


    | Posted on 2007-07-07 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]

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