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These Waters


Author: BleedingTears
ASL Info:    16/f/Neverland
Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 418 /289 /62
Words: 132
Class/Type: Poetry /Nature
Total Views: 1301
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 877



Description:


I really love anything that has to do with the ocean and nautical things,
and i hardly ever get to write anything with it and so i tried.
this is just what happened to come out.


These Waters



I am the ship,
sailing away at sea,
floating away from humanity,
And when a storm forms above,
and the wind howling loud.
This rudder spins uncontrollably,
and these sails tear apart.

I am the ocean,
my currents divide in directions,
the I deside and I create.
My waves are extremely powerful and
this ship belongs to me.

I am the tides,
that wash away your pain.
Erase all of life's mistakes.
I am the water that takes you in,
slowly makes you drown.
The only thing that can take you back ashore.

I am the salt,
absorbing the moisture in your skin,
The mineral drenched within your tears.
The only thing you have in common with these waters.
The only thing that makes you part of these waters.




Submitted on 2007-07-07 17:22:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Sorry I took so long about returning those comments, but I haven't been on much lately.

First off, I find some problems here. For instance,

"And when a storm forms above,
and the wind howling loud.
This rudder spins uncontrollably,
and these sails tear apart."

I think there's a problem in the second line there. Possibly a usage problem: "wind's" instead of "wind"? And if all four lines are a compound sentence--which would make more sense, since the first two lines don't stand alone well--the period after the second line would need to be a comma.

Further:
"the I deside and I create." "The I." Problem. "Deside" isn't a word as far as I'm aware of, though I could very well be wrong; I have been in the past. Also, the use of "extremely" in that stanza ("my waves are extremely powerful") might be excessive; I think you'd get more punch by getting rid of the adverb. It's one of my writing teacher's better rules; when you can use an adjective or a stronger noun/verb, skip adverbs--they just dilute the effect.

Now that I'm done with the negatives: I like the lines:

"I am the tides,
that wash away your pain.
Erase all of life's mistakes."

though there shouldn't be a comma there. Otherwise, you've got a strong idea when you take this in context with the other lines,

"I am the water that takes you in,
slowly makes you drown.
The only thing that can take you back ashore."

The idea is that the power of the ocean can be both a sailor's destruction and his salvation: that which drowns him, and that which carries him home. It's a powerful symbol.

"I am the salt,
absorbing the moisture in your skin,
The mineral drenched within your tears.
The only thing you have in common with these waters.
The only thing that makes you part of these waters."

Nice write overall. Keep it up.

--crimson

| Posted on 2007-08-20 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
  wow...this is great...love thr imagery, esp the personification of power...one word bugs mevthough...'mineral'...i cant give a better alternativ4 tho, s9 its prolly just me prattlin lol

excellent work
| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it. Your personifications are so...authentic. Good job and keep posting!
| Posted on 2007-07-08 00:00:00 | by Olcia | [ Reply to This ]
  you do a great job of bringing life to non living things....whatever the [censored] the word for that is...[censored] i can't remember, anyways, your writing is a wonderful blend of that word, and emotions. its clear that you care alot about the person this is written about....good write keep it up
| Posted on 2007-07-08 00:00:00 | by I_m not Broken | [ Reply to This ]


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