Description: I typed this up quickly in one sitting and it's a little rough. Room for improvement i think. Any comments or suggestions appreciated.
No recess -------------------------------------------
The joy of recess come at last
Children run outside to play
they run to the slide and sandbox
or grab balls to play four square
Out on the field of green grass
beyond the yard duty’s poor sight
a pack of wolves has circled its prey
excited that no one is watching
they have the “freak” trapped
He’s to small to force a way out
Desperate demands and begging
are met with chuckles and grins
The supposed game: “smear the queer”
but only one of them “has” the ball
The children shout out the title
the anticipated beating begins
The bell rings and they line up,
reluctantly sitting back in their desks
The hurt hides his bruises and pain
a story about falling as a cover
In frustration the teacher barks
The boy has disrupted class yet again
Her patience running low with him
she scolds him strongly like before.
She takes his recess away to punish
he watches them all go out to play
already having done this for two weeks
He sits calmly without complaint.
Feeling bad, the teacher reconsiders
perhaps another punishment would suit
To her surprise he rejects her offer
and tells her he likes this penalty better
interesting poem. the lack of a rhyme scheme is nicely unexpected. the inconsistent capitalization bothers a pedant like me; i don't think you did it for stylistic purposes?
"The joy of recess come at last
Children run outside to play"
the second line doesn't flow that well, i think, from the first line. i think there's an extra syllable, or something. tweak it?
"excited that no one is watching"
maybe you could use a stronger adjective than excited, or describe them more?
"He’s to small to force a way out"
should be "too small to force"
"a story about falling as a cover
In frustration the teacher barks"
the transition from the last stanza to the next is a little unclear; it sounds as if the teacher is angry for the boy's explaining he fell?
"already having done this for two weeks"
reads a little awkwardly.
you could use some punctuation to dramatize some parts. the rhythm isn't always there (though you might have intended that to avoid it's being in monotone?), but hey! as you said, it's rough. the story reminds me of a song i like.
your story telling was well done but im not 100% sure the 4 lines stanzas did you as much justice as could have been done.
there are a couple of places your story feels awkward as if you have forced it to fit into thr structure and it didnt quite want to...
having said that im not quite sure what to suggest would work better than 4 line stanzas.
im thinking perhaps keeping the 4 line idea but joining them together in places where the idea continues...
Out on the field of green grass
beyond the yard duty’s poor sight
a pack of wolves has circled its prey
excited that no one is watching
they have the “freak” trapped
He’s to small to force a way out
Desperate demands and begging
are met with chuckles and grins
The supposed game: “smear the queer”
but only one of them “has” the ball
The children shout out the title
the anticipated beating begins
these three stanzas [that ive joined together] all share a comon timeframe... in the play ground getting a beating... if punctuated better i think this idea may work... but im not 100% sure.
im just convinced there has to be a more effective way of telling your story... thats all...
but yes. for a sitting down and typing it straight i think you have done very well
Submission Name: No recess
