Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: No recessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nomad knight
    Elite Ratio:    6.66 - 110/75/41
    Words: 212
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 678
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1397



    Description:
       I typed this up quickly in one sitting and it's a little rough. Room for improvement i think. Any comments or suggestions appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNo recessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The joy of recess come at last
    Children run outside to play
    they run to the slide and sandbox
    or grab balls to play four square

    Out on the field of green grass
    beyond the yard duty’s poor sight
    a pack of wolves has circled its prey
    excited that no one is watching

    they have the “freak” trapped
    He’s to small to force a way out
    Desperate demands and begging
    are met with chuckles and grins

    The supposed game: “smear the queer”
    but only one of them “has” the ball
    The children shout out the title
    the anticipated beating begins

    The bell rings and they line up,
    reluctantly sitting back in their desks
    The hurt hides his bruises and pain
    a story about falling as a cover


    In frustration the teacher barks
    The boy has disrupted class yet again
    Her patience running low with him
    she scolds him strongly like before.

    She takes his recess away to punish
    he watches them all go out to play
    already having done this for two weeks
    He sits calmly without complaint.

    Feeling bad, the teacher reconsiders
    perhaps another punishment would suit
    To her surprise he rejects her offer
    and tells her he likes this penalty better




    Submitted on 2007-07-08 17:20:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      interesting poem. the lack of a rhyme scheme is nicely unexpected. the inconsistent capitalization bothers a pedant like me; i don't think you did it for stylistic purposes?

    "The joy of recess come at last
    Children run outside to play"
    the second line doesn't flow that well, i think, from the first line. i think there's an extra syllable, or something. tweak it?

    "excited that no one is watching"
    maybe you could use a stronger adjective than excited, or describe them more?

    "He’s to small to force a way out"
    should be "too small to force"

    "a story about falling as a cover


    In frustration the teacher barks"
    the transition from the last stanza to the next is a little unclear; it sounds as if the teacher is angry for the boy's explaining he fell?

    "already having done this for two weeks"
    reads a little awkwardly.

    you could use some punctuation to dramatize some parts. the rhythm isn't always there (though you might have intended that to avoid it's being in monotone?), but hey! as you said, it's rough. the story reminds me of a song i like.
    | Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]
      your story telling was well done but im not 100% sure the 4 lines stanzas did you as much justice as could have been done.

    there are a couple of places your story feels awkward as if you have forced it to fit into thr structure and it didnt quite want to...

    having said that im not quite sure what to suggest would work better than 4 line stanzas.
    im thinking perhaps keeping the 4 line idea but joining them together in places where the idea continues...

    Out on the field of green grass
    beyond the yard duty’s poor sight
    a pack of wolves has circled its prey
    excited that no one is watching
    they have the “freak” trapped
    He’s to small to force a way out
    Desperate demands and begging
    are met with chuckles and grins
    The supposed game: “smear the queer”
    but only one of them “has” the ball
    The children shout out the title
    the anticipated beating begins

    these three stanzas [that ive joined together] all share a comon timeframe... in the play ground getting a beating... if punctuated better i think this idea may work... but im not 100% sure.
    im just convinced there has to be a more effective way of telling your story... thats all...

    but yes. for a sitting down and typing it straight i think you have done very well
    | Posted on 2007-07-09 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    146291

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry