Have you ever noticed that many feelings or moods can be transferred empathetically? When someone is happy or sad, the emotions can travel and bring out new expression in others.
Well, in a way, I feel that applies to this poem—both in inspiration and effect. You seemed to be overwhelmed by this person, whoever he is; and somehow, the effect of the belief you put into your words makes the reader get a similar sense of being overwhelmed. It’s a funny concept, especially with a short piece. But I think it has merit- in the future, I might try to affect the audience by infusing more directed emotion behind words.
Of course, I cannot critique this; objectively, it is quite elegantly flawless. That is a benefit of brevity. (just try to do the same in a book.. let me tell you.) I like the way you portrayed this character, this brute of song. (also, I enjoy the imperative tone at the beginning.) He in the first stanza seems almost cruel; but I don’t think you resent him all that much, despite the fact that he’s sucking your life away. Because… he has the arrogant little idea that he can pull it off… that’s my favorite line: He summons death at my door/challenges to lift it/with a thought alone. I wonder if he could, for all his intentions.
Nice work. I like this one. But I like all of them, really.
Submission Name: Shackles
