I've always believed love triumphs over all. I've been told I'm a dreamer, a girl of fantasies with a perception of love that is too idealistic. Everything I do is ruled by my heart, I operate in this one dimension. I accept this, for I feel it brings me more charisma, an abundance of friends and opportunities. I would consider this, however to make me very fragile. I become so totally faithful and devoted that if my heart or trust be broken, I truly never forgive or forget. I can sever ties to any tryst if I believe there is a good reason.
I've been told I'm complicated, and it's easy to see I have levels of comprehension, understanding and base reactions. Due to the fact that I don't operate on one level alone makes me 'insane' instead of shallow.
My first level, and most forth coming is my desire to teach. I would consider myself wise. (Not all knowing, because a Wiseman knows that one will never be all knowing for perceptions vary.) I however, believe that on this level I have the mind and heart for a larger scale communication based on beliefs, perceptions, ideals, morals, experiences, emotions and a cornucopia of involved discussions. I'm open minded and agreeable, but with my own over view. On this level, I'm passive and docile- sweet tempered and most find this very appealing, I would presume. It's how I've met my closest friends, or developed long lasting relationships.
My second level is more of a social complex. It's ruled by an ego I never acknowledge, but mostly a need to be acknowledge and reassured of my place in each of my relation's life. On this level, I tend to be aggressive, and very protective of not only myself, but those I love. I'm natural protector, and at this stage I believe everything I'm doing is sustaining of the love I feel for another. This is the face I show most often, but it also portrays that I'm unable to see how stubborn and stead fast I can be. It's a stage utterly contradicting to my most beloved inner thinking, and I tend to not only frustrate myself but those around me.
My third, and final level that I've discovered, is that of a child. It's a level I hate to show publicly, but most definitely effect my personal life. I admit, on this level that I'm usually resistant and very immature. I'm a trembling mass of insecurity just needing to be soothed and petted, handed a treat of love now and then. I'm afraid of everything new so I become clingy and my understanding slips more and more as I recognize that somehow I was made a victim. No matter if the mistake was mine, I still believe that in the long run I did all that I could do. Whether this belief is a flaw or not I'm not sure, nor would I distinguish it. However, there are things I truly love about my childlike nature; my playfulness and my innocence on some level. I'm very trusting on this level, but very easily hurt. It's the most basic level- where anything, but not everything could be done to destroy my fragile ideals. This is the stage I wallow in when I'm alone.
Though, I'm independent I've come to realize I need people around me- not because I need protection, but because I love to give even without a promise of return. If I'm alone, how shall I lead? If I'm alone, how shall I give?
I've noticed that I've stayed in my final level too long- it's a level that slows the growing process, and that's what I reveal in, but in turn- I've found everything to pass me by.
Through the seventeen years of my life I've discovered what I don't want. From green beans and mushrooms on my plate to what I don't want to see out of my partner. I've discovered how I don't want to react rather than reacting the way I want to. This realization has lead me to believe that knowing yourself isn't enough, you must have control of yourself, in the sense that you embrace it rather than tame it.
I've been thinking about the meaning of my life in difference to the meaning of life. A subtle change that makes all the difference. I've decided to pronounce what I want out of life, then create an action do get there as if I've already been there.
Trying- I've come to realize isn't enough. 'Try your best.' They say, but it cuts it short. Trying is merely failing with honor. If I say, 'Gee, love- I'll try and be there on time, and that's all I can do.' It means, 'Gee, love- I can't make it, but I don't want to disappoint you.' Trying is a sugar coating to make failure easier. 'We tried to make it work.' No, do it or don't do it. Win or lose, fail or succeed, but don't create a winner out of a loser or a loser out of a winner.
I want to do- I don't want to be mediocre- I will succeed in my dreams, and my ambitions through my drive and my actions. Even, if I find myself slouching in the presence of someone I deem more talented, or a better person in any trait, characteristic or aspect of their life. I will celebrate it with them- as if it were my own success. I believe, through this- I will gain more happiness. This will bring my drive higher, so as they can celebrate with me when I reach my goal. It will make me less uncomfortable in the presence of greatness and permit me to still feel wonderful even when overshadowed due to the fact that someone has progressed higher than me. It will also give me the eyes to see greatness, and accept that I too can be great in different aspects of my life. It will lead me to recognition. Meritocracy hates excellence, so they often become embittered or whimsical. I will never again wish to be someone else, but create a picture that I love of myself.
My most important triumph will be forgiving. For this is a flaw I can't accept, it's a self poison that stops my growth and I can't continue to let it be so. Being unforgiving is like drinking poison expecting it to kill the other person who has gained you contempt. It's a form of self abuse, this trait; by not forgiving I'm condemning myself to live the same experiences over and over. By, merely forgetting it ever happened- I'm doing the same.
I forgive my past friends for hurting me.
I forgive my present friends for hurting me.
I forgive my past lovers for hurting me.
I in turn forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in part in all these relations.
I'm grateful for the time I had. I give my gratitude for the memories I have had with each and the lessons I've learned. I thank each for the time to grow through them and then out of them. I recognize that I can regret these times, or embrace them as my past and use it for leverage to the next step I take.
Most of all, I want to thank one individual for showing me what I knew all along. That perceptions are different, if one believes they are right they can not be wavered. I want to thank him specifically for attacking me on my ideals, morals and beliefs and my expectations because now it's come to my knowledge that I wasn't clear enough with myself or anyone else. I am thankful that he treated me wrong in situations because I've come to these realizations and am now ready to continue earnestly with my desires. Thank you, for questioning me, for it made me answer clearly; not to you- but myself. I forgive him for hurting me, but I'm thankful that he gave me a wound that I could not just survive on, but thrive on.
True forgiveness is gratitude.
Life isn't meant to be a struggle, and either is love. I was so worried with what I would be getting out of it that I missed the point. Love, like everything isn't about getting- but, about simply letting. You place a ink blot on the paper and let the dot bleed into a pattern instead of trying to turn and tare the paper. As an artist I have to learn that it's not all about my creation, but just letting the end product come from mere inspiration. I've struggled with specifics in every aspect of my life because I'm always against something.
Being against things creates animosity. Instead of marching to be against hate, I should march to be FOR love.
Greatness comes from the heart, to the mind, to the hands and then their creations. I need to create my life the way I want through my creative mind and my passion. I shall never acknowledge the words 'You're wrong' (unless it pertains to mathematics while still pertaining to myself.) My way of thinking is no less than any other individual.
For those of you who want to know my 'Idealistic' expectations here they are, from the dreamer herself:
I want to be Accepted: I want my significant other to accept the aspects of myself the way I have. The significant other may not agree with these traits, but the acknowledgement of them is enough. Know my flaws, but concentrate on my good traits. Accept that this is who I am and it can't be changed- but reactions and actions can be compromised.
I want to be Appreciated: I want my significant other to appreciate my actions be it little or big. I want them to appreciate the words I say as if they were actions in themselves, because I say them with all sincerity. I want my efforts to be thanked not through words but through a return in action.
I want to be Acknowledged: I want my significant other to acknowledge that everything I do has a reason. I want the other to realize that I'm an individual and separate myself purposely, but that I still have the basic mind set and emotional state of every human.
I want to be Reassured: I want my other to reassure me through actions and words that I still have a stable place in their life, whether times are good or bad. I want to be reassured that I've not gone unnoticed, that I'm accepted, appreciated, acknowledged and loved. I want him to reassure me that even when I'm being silly or conflicting and baring my claws that I still have a place, and that I'm still the wonderful person.
I want to be Notified: I want my partner to tell me of feelings honestly. If they wish to be left alone, to tell me so. If they wish for affection, tell me so. If they are busy, tell me so. I want to be notified when they leave or return. (Clarification: I don't need to be notified of where they are going, how long they will be gone or who they've gone with...)
I want to be Loved: I want to be loved in the way I know I deserve. I want to be treated the way I deserve. I want to be surprised and entreated for the efforts I put forth. I don't want to be loved unconditionally, but I want to be loved whole heartedly. I want to be loved in the way that it would hurt if I was to go. I want to be loved in the sense that I would be more than a memory or a back-story to other relationships you've had. I want to be loved for my faults first.
I want to be given Attention: I want to have affection, and time set aside just for me. I want to be valued the way I deserve to be valued.
I want to be Respected: I want all these expectations to be met, and respect that I deserve them, just as my partner deserve their wants.
For myself:
Emotionally- I want to give in return, I want to protect and nurture, celebrate and be the haven; the heaven. I want to trust and grow along with my company, learn and in turn educate. I want to move on and love the way I have been doing from the day I separated and acknowledged my feelings. I want to live my passion and enjoy my life. To make myself happy and get there by defining what makes me happy.
Financially- I want to be stable. I want to have a job I love that allows me to wake up excited. I want to do exactly what I want and harness my talents to entreat others.
Intellectually- I want to learn more, and refresh my memories of things I love and techniques pertaining to my passion.
Spiritual- I want to continue to be open to the ideas of others and believe what I wish based on my perception and views.
Personally- I want to do and discover everything that will make me happy. I never want to be bored and I always want to have something to do. I want to create a life I love.
There are no accidents in life-this is not optimism, this is my life.
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Submission Name: Idealism
