all my fault -------------------------------------------
everytime i stare into your eyes
the pain just surges through my veins
like the red of my blood
spreading its agonizing pain
mimicing aids,
it wont kill me but will be the cause of my death
the result of the theft of my soul
the dangling pieces of whats left of a broken home
it happened, it happens
so what get over it,live my life
but i cant im weak and now you're part of my fight
just another warrior involved in my battle
left for dead because im afraid of the hassle
scared to break away from this night
so I cower in a corner
hiding from the light
no matter how hard i try
the world seems to fall apart
destruction all around me
and its always all my fault
its my fault that you're in pain
its my fault you're not alive
its my fault that i must deal with this
waiting for the day i die
its my fault your eyes see nothing
and the blood flows through your tears
the feathers torn from your wings
all because of my fears
sorry to be so blunt but this piece did nothing for me.
im sure you could have found a better way of expressing yourself that didnt come across as a whinge.
taking the blame for something should be a mature action. it should be something that, while it is hard, is fair and right.
you dont give the reader any indication what it is that is your fault and why it is your fault and why you shoulder the blame.
get some images in here.
give the reader a reason to read this... a point of connection... a vehicle of understanding. right now this is nothing.
who is "you" in this piece and what is your relationship to them?
you dont have to name them or even spell it out but it would be nice if you identified them better and gave them some kind of characteristics to make them more real and viable.
think about adding more punctuation to this piece. it seems lacking right now and while it is not necessary for poetry to contain punctuation to have full effect i think this piece needs more than it has.
i think you could do a lot more with this piece.
good luck.
[and nice hat ]
Submission Name: all my fault
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