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    dots Submission Name: all my faultdots

    Author: skinnard
    ASL Info:    22 male New York
    Elite Ratio:    2.17 - 38/76/49
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 651
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1185


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsall my faultdots

    everytime i stare into your eyes
    the pain just surges through my veins
    like the red of my blood
    spreading its agonizing pain

    mimicing aids,
    it wont kill me but will be the cause of my death
    the result of the theft of my soul
    the dangling pieces of whats left of a broken home

    it happened, it happens
    so what get over it,live my life
    but i cant im weak and now you're part of my fight

    just another warrior involved in my battle
    left for dead because im afraid of the hassle
    scared to break away from this night
    so I cower in a corner
    hiding from the light

    no matter how hard i try
    the world seems to fall apart
    destruction all around me
    and its always all my fault

    its my fault that you're in pain
    its my fault you're not alive
    its my fault that i must deal with this
    waiting for the day i die

    its my fault your eyes see nothing
    and the blood flows through your tears
    the feathers torn from your wings
    all because of my fears

    Submitted on 2007-07-09 23:37:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      sorry to be so blunt but this piece did nothing for me.
    im sure you could have found a better way of expressing yourself that didnt come across as a whinge.

    taking the blame for something should be a mature action. it should be something that, while it is hard, is fair and right.
    you dont give the reader any indication what it is that is your fault and why it is your fault and why you shoulder the blame.

    get some images in here.
    give the reader a reason to read this... a point of connection... a vehicle of understanding. right now this is nothing.

    who is "you" in this piece and what is your relationship to them?
    you dont have to name them or even spell it out but it would be nice if you identified them better and gave them some kind of characteristics to make them more real and viable.

    think about adding more punctuation to this piece. it seems lacking right now and while it is not necessary for poetry to contain punctuation to have full effect i think this piece needs more than it has.

    i think you could do a lot more with this piece.
    good luck.
    [and nice hat ]
    | Posted on 2007-07-10 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it i dont know what more to say its great
    | Posted on 2007-07-10 00:00:00 | by AngelinDisguise | [ Reply to This ]

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