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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Metamorphosed (revised) dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 687
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1509



    Description:
       to explain it: one undergoes at least 4 metamorphoses in life - being born, being in love, dying and the loss of paradise.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMetamorphosed (revised) dots
    -------------------------------------------


    And swiftly ancient night with ancient rain,
    Echoing silver through the stubborn metal,
    Rolls back before the ear-piercing notes
    Perception offers - to acquire
    To such a marvelous extent
    For the first and last time,
    And to remember all the later life -

    Until the swooning silence swallows
    The shock and scorching gasps for breath,
    I close my eyes behind my eyelids
    Two swallows trapped in primed up net.

    Relentless fluster of their feathers
    Against unyielding of the loops
    And beating of their hearts, in seizures,
    To ricochet the cosmic pulse.

    Their pupils finally expanded
    With closing image of the sky
    Whispering across the tremor,
    Feeble words of feeble love.

    They say love is the root of all
    A blood red thread, unbroken,
    Twists itself around Gods neck,
    As to remind Him every time He breathes -

    That love is painful.

    It daringly repeats itself to us,
    Heedless of any of our protestations,
    In what went missing before space-time;
    And what was left in the reflections
    Of wings of butterflies, astray
    In the pervasive bracings of the winds.

    So heed me, as only saintly hearing strained
    To catch the fluids of divine
    Skies flung down on us, bereft of any pity,
    Not wanting any more, as if tired out.




    Submitted on 2007-07-11 04:04:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "to explain it: one undergoes at least 4 metamorphoses in life - being born, being in love, dying and the loss of paradise."

    You wrote there is 4, but it seems that dying and loss of paradise is the same, since leaving behind a beautiful world can be seen as that.

    Or do you mean to say we all go to Hell (if Hell is still believed in).

    I don't think this is what you meant though.

    Explain please.
    | Posted on 2009-01-13 00:00:00 | by EpsilonpsiiChi | [ Reply to This ]
      They say love is the root of all
    A blood red thread, unbroken,
    Twists itself around Gods neck,
    As to remind Him every time He breathes -

    That love is painful.



    this is THE most beautiful expression of anything i have read all day [and i mean all day]
    wow! i have a line somewhere about something to do with reminding god there is another person dead in my heart but this is much more beautiful than that...

    to remind god that love is painful.
    like he needs any more remembering than that time he watched his son die on a cross...
    simply powerful... completely stunning... wow.



    as for the rest of the piece...
    your vocab is good. very solid and well thoughtout. but i feel that there is something in this piece that doesnt ring true... im not sure what it is but the emotion that could be there isnt... it seems lacking somehow...

    i like the idea of the different stages of life.
    perhaps everyone has their own ideas of what those stages are and how theyre sposed to work but i think what you have here is good...
    i love the way you play with sounds throughout this piece... the way the words sound as i read them out loud.

    yes. i think you have done a good job here i just need some emotion or connection injected into it somewhere

    and again... love is painful... BEAUTIFUL expression!
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      i typically do not like love poetry (though this isn't just that), but i liked reading this. phrases like "echoing silver" and "ricochet the cosmic pulse" and the metaphor for your eyes made it worthwhile. you don't lose sight of the focus, while using imagery to make it interesting.

    on another note, maybe you could write a more powerful ending; it seemed a little abrupt to me. though you might have meant that to illustrate how sudden death is? it just fell a little flat for me.

    but i can tell this is revised, because of how polished it is. i also like your vocabulary: not overdone, but not boring with ordinary words. it not only reads well, but also sounds well.
    | Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]


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