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Metamorphosed (revised)


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 139 /256 /171
Words: 226
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1298
Average Vote:    3.0000
Bytes: 1517



Description:


to explain it: one undergoes at least 4 metamorphoses in life - being born, being in love, dying and the loss of paradise.


Metamorphosed (revised)



And swiftly ancient night with ancient rain,
Echoing silver through the stubborn metal,
Rolls back before the ear-piercing notes
Perception offers - to acquire
To such a marvelous extent
For the first and last time,
And to remember all the later life -

Until the swooning silence swallows
The shock and scorching gasps for breath,
I close my eyes – behind my eyelids
Two swallows trapped in primed up net.

Relentless fluster of their feathers
Against unyielding of the loops –
And beating of their hearts, in seizures,
To ricochet the cosmic pulse.

Their pupils finally expanded
With closing image of the sky
Whispering across the tremor,
Feeble words of feeble love.

They say love is the root of all –
A blood red thread, unbroken,
Twists itself around God’s neck,
As to remind Him every time He breathes -

That love is painful.

It daringly repeats itself to us,
Heedless of any of our protestations,
In what went missing before space-time;
And what was left in the reflections
Of wings of butterflies, astray
In the pervasive bracings of the winds.

So heed me, as only saintly hearing strained
To catch the fluids of divine
Skies flung down on us, bereft of any pity,
Not wanting any more, as if tired out.




Submitted on 2007-07-11 04:04:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  "to explain it: one undergoes at least 4 metamorphoses in life - being born, being in love, dying and the loss of paradise."

You wrote there is 4, but it seems that dying and loss of paradise is the same, since leaving behind a beautiful world can be seen as that.

Or do you mean to say we all go to Hell (if Hell is still believed in).

I don't think this is what you meant though.

Explain please.
| Posted on 2009-01-13 00:00:00 | by EpsilonpsiiChi | [ Reply to This ]
  They say love is the root of all –
A blood red thread, unbroken,
Twists itself around God’s neck,
As to remind Him every time He breathes -

That love is painful.



this is THE most beautiful expression of anything i have read all day [and i mean all day]
wow! i have a line somewhere about something to do with reminding god there is another person dead in my heart but this is much more beautiful than that...

to remind god that love is painful.
like he needs any more remembering than that time he watched his son die on a cross...
simply powerful... completely stunning... wow.



as for the rest of the piece...
your vocab is good. very solid and well thoughtout. but i feel that there is something in this piece that doesnt ring true... im not sure what it is but the emotion that could be there isnt... it seems lacking somehow...

i like the idea of the different stages of life.
perhaps everyone has their own ideas of what those stages are and how theyre sposed to work but i think what you have here is good...
i love the way you play with sounds throughout this piece... the way the words sound as i read them out loud.

yes. i think you have done a good job here i just need some emotion or connection injected into it somewhere

and again... love is painful... BEAUTIFUL expression!
| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  i typically do not like love poetry (though this isn't just that), but i liked reading this. phrases like "echoing silver" and "ricochet the cosmic pulse" and the metaphor for your eyes made it worthwhile. you don't lose sight of the focus, while using imagery to make it interesting.

on another note, maybe you could write a more powerful ending; it seemed a little abrupt to me. though you might have meant that to illustrate how sudden death is? it just fell a little flat for me.

but i can tell this is revised, because of how polished it is. i also like your vocabulary: not overdone, but not boring with ordinary words. it not only reads well, but also sounds well.
| Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]


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