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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In retrospect / this was realdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Misc/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1484



    Description:
       Reading this brings tears to my eyes.
    More then the rest.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn retrospect / this was realdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was me.
    That night. I drank too much.
    It was entirely my fault.
    Can you ever forgive me?

    It’s too late to take it back.
    I never meant to fall so hard; again.
    You are just so incredible.
    The memory of that night
    I wish I could forget / remember always.

    My stomach is upset.
    I feel like I’m about to throw up
    yet butterflies are all around.
    I miss you.

    It should never have happened.
    The thought alone is disgusting,
    yet I have never felt more alive my entire life.
    Thank you.

    I hate you for not saying goodbye.
    I realise though;
    I was the one that pulled away.
    Just couldn’t let myself go.
    Was too scared; what would they say.

    Or am I wrong?
    Was it too difficult to say goodbye?
    We connected.
    I know you felt the same.

    That day I lost you.
    That day you lost me.
    Was it worth it?
    No. I would rather still have you in my life.

    I miss you so much.
    Wish I could see you again;
    just hear your voice.
    Why did I drink so much?

    I’m sure my tears will dry
    and my heart find someone new.
    Just this once,
    I wish that wasn’t true.

    One day perhaps we’ll speak again.
    Maybe even be friends.
    For now,
    I will try to forget.





    Submitted on 2007-07-11 08:14:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i can tell youve poured yourself into every line of this piece.

    what i like about this piece is that you do not paint the situation up at all. you are completely frank and honest... my heart will move on and i will find love butijustdontlikethatideathistime

    you skirt around the encounter that caused this relationship to end... almost like, in all your drunkeness, you cannot remember exactly what it was you said/did that brought about this dire consequence. you know that it has something to do with being drunk and making some kind of move but... what was it and how far it went dont seem to be conprehended right now...

    i think you could prolly present this more interestingly. you have such short sentences, especially at the start, and i think you 4 line stanza thing does them no justice...



    It was me.

    That night.
    I drank too much.
    It was entirely my fault.

    Can you ever forgi...ve me?

    It’s too late to take it back.
    I never meant to fall so hard;

    again.

    You are just so incredible.

    The memory of that night
    I wish I could
    forget / remember always.

    My stomach is upset.
    I feel like I’m about to throw up
    yet butterflies are all around.

    I miss you.

    It should never have happened.
    The thought alone is disgusting,
    yet I have never felt more alive my entire life.
    Thank you.

    I hate you for not saying goodbye.
    though
    I realise...
    I was the one that pulled away.
    Just couldn’t let myself go.
    Was too scared;
    what would they say.

    Or am I wrong?

    Was it too difficult to say goodbye?
    We connected.
    I know you felt the same.

    That day I lost you.
    That day you lost me.
    Was it worth it?
    No. I would rather still have you in my life.

    I miss you so much.
    Wish I could see you again;
    just hear your voice.

    Why did I drink so much?

    I’m sure my tears will dry
    and my heart find someone new.
    Just this once,
    Iwishthatwasn’ttrue.

    One day perhaps we’ll speak again.
    Maybe even be friends.
    For now...

    I will try to forget.




    i dont know what you think about that... i was just playing around with the ideas and the way the lines sound when i read them... the stand alone lines are intended to carry more weight... give the words more power.

    i miss you

    if you put it on its own theres nothing to confuse it with... right? i miss you and thats all there is to it.

    toward the end you start to repeat yourself though... especially with the i wish i could see you again thing. my favourite one is the 'my tears will dry and my heart will find another...' stanza so if your gonna get rid of any of them make sure it ISNT that one!!

    i also wanna encourage you to find a stronger ending for this piece.
    maybe instead of i try to forget you could just say

    but for now...

    ..sigh...


    its kinda inconclusive really which gives the reader the power to create the end of the story. i mean i am sure many ppl have had a drinking experience that has ruined something... and i am sure they felt hideous when they sobered up to the realisation of what they had done... and im thinking they will use that story to base the level of forgiveness you are entitled to...

    i really hope it works out.
    drinking doesnt sound like something you should do round ppl you care about...




    | Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    146463

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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