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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Another Cliche love Poemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dismentled
    ASL Info:    26/M/"South of Heaven"
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 625/583/217
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 3432
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1432



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnother Cliche love Poemdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I just want to say I love you
    Just wanna show I care
    but, I hold out, for another breath
    and I’m drowning in these tears…

    No one said love would
    Ever hurt this much!
    Never thought that
    someone else would care!
    but you see through it all
    to who I am in here
    still, you say you love me
    Standing beside in time and Fear

    You make me want
    To love myself…
    (forgive me, but I forgot this line)
    And see the things you see
    I KNOW I’ll Never be enough
    But so much you are to me!

    Maybe it’s just another
    cliché love poem!
    but you make me forget
    that I’m Afraid to care
    or maybe you’re ALL
    that matters, for time stays
    still when I’m here
    (inside your love)

    You make me lovesick
    but I wont take no pills!
    loving you is wrong
    and I wanna be ill!

    It’s just another
    cliché love Poem
    but I’m writing it
    for you!
    I know it’ll Never be
    (close to) Good enough
    but it would seem
    that I’ve got so much to prove

    I’ll capture the Angels
    and collect the stars
    douse the sun
    dip the Moon in tar
    Til all that’s left
    is you and me
    Lost inside the other
    Infallowing eternity. XOXO





    Submitted on 2007-07-11 17:42:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Oh it's so sweet. I mean that in a good way. I love some of the connotations and descriptions you used. I espescially like the stanza
    You make me lovesick
    but I wont take no pills!
    loving you is wrong
    and I wanna be ill!

    It may be super sappy but it's really way to get your point across.
    I also love the last stanza it definetaly shows devotion and how far you'll go.
    All in all it's a great write

    pEaCe
    Liz

    | Posted on 2008-02-08 00:00:00 | by smartblond | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know. It's wonderful that you feel that way, but it's boring to read unless you throw more of yourself into it. I know you're creative and talented, but I don't see that in this. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's because I can't remember the last time I've slept. Well, for some reason, this one didn't really hold my attention.
    And "I wont take no pills" means that you will NOT take zero pills, which means that you will take pills.
    (Just thought I'd throw that in there ;))

    God, I still can't believe we're not allowed to say [censored] or [censored] or [censored] [censored] in these things.

    Byeee

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2007-09-28 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
      This was not cliché for your pieces!

    I liked how you candidly and openly illustrated and shared your love.

    I enjoyed the last stanza and had a nice picture and feeling througout!

    Hope all is well!
    love,peace,joy&smiles to share
    tif
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      A Great cliché' Poem but amaizingly written my friend, as always your words paint such a picture of your poetry as always so enjoyble to read your work another to add to my favs list keep up the great writing Bravo Bravo!!!!!


    Ladymustang
    | Posted on 2007-07-19 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      well at least you are aware of the fact that this is another cliché love poem...
    i dont know... if i were being woo'd by words i would want them to be brand new words... images never told before... i wouldnt want snippets of other ppls love notes, songs and sonnets... i would feel ripped off if that was what i recieved.

    now assuming this piece is aimed at one person in particular... i think you should try to find your own means of expression of the love you feel for this person. remove all the comon cliché ideas of love and insert your own ideas... give her your heart... thats what love is all about. and its a risk... she may not understand such love, such words but at least you have offered them and given her a part of yourself instead of giving her other ppls love notes, songs and sonnets.

    perhaps my expectations are too high and i will be single for life


    now i know i have some of the worlds most craziest word associations but

    I just want to say I love you
    Just wanna show I care

    reminds me of the stevie wonder lyrics "i just called to say i love you... i just called to say how much i care" and i realise that is quite a loose connection but still... there have been so many songs written containing the ideas of your first two lines.

    but i cannot say i am disappointed because you did warn me in all fairness that this piece was gonna be cliché.
    so i guess it does what it says it will... if i were her i would be wanting more...
    | Posted on 2007-07-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      okay I wasn't sure if I was gonna comment just to say this but I don't think any comment could beat my original reaction, which by the way is only intensified the more i read it, so I guess I'm just saying I second what I first said this is amazing, I'm in love with it, more in love than I've been with anything else i've ever read- and you're completely dominating my faves list ;) but that's okay =P everyone else will just have to deal with it <3
    much love && peace, hope everything's okay with you and I know I still owe you a comment on the other one, I WILL get around to that, I need it to be well thought, anyway, Night
    -Jess
    | Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a very good write. I loved it, and the topic. It flowed farely well, I had no problem with that, but, this may sound stupid, but poetry that has slang in it doesn't seem like poetry. Poetry is all about words and how you use them to portray what you feel inside. Words like "wanna" "gonna" "ain't" anything of that sort, aren't words and just make poems sound childish. I'm definitely NOT saying your poem was childish, I loved it, it was real and portrayed your emotion pretty well. I loved the metaphors you used, especially in the last stanza. It reminds me of the love of my life. One more thing, other than the slang words your poem was great, and hey, the usage of slang words just puts more of your personality in the poem, but what really made me go "Whoa wait a minute" was this sentance, "but I wont take no pills!" Great sentance loved it because it fit with a perfect metaphor...except it's a double negitive sentance, which makes it positive, therefore you'd be saying you'd take pills in order to not be love sick for this person. Sorry for the extra long comment which wasn't exactly all that nice, but I was just giving you advice on future poems. I did love this write, it's going to be faved. Keep up the magnificent work, and I'll keep reading!!!

    Saint Raxor
    | Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by brknprclndol | [ Reply to This ]
      Dismentled
    I know we may have had our disagreeements in the past but I have got to let you know I was extremely impressed with this write
    This write is so true and sadly a LOT of people such as myself can easilly relate to this
    Excellent Job!!
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2007-07-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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