I love this poem to bits! Why because it reminds me of how I am! Reminicing on the past and the good times that I wish would last but I had big dreams of my future and things fell apart and I do believe dreams last forever! No matter what happens you'll always look back but then again you live for the future! Definatley a fave!
i think youre onto a good thing here but i have a coupla things for you to think about...
one of them is the use of cliché ideas.
most people when they start out writing will write a piece about the little boy/girl trapped inside which isnt a bad thing necessarily but they tend to all sound the same.
now im not sure how long youve been writing for and i dont know how much reading youve done which will mean that clichés may/may not be well known to you... but there are a few floating through this piece.
now clichés are only that because theyre the best way found of saying something but i wanna challenge you to try find new ways of saying such things...
i think you should think a little bit more about punctuation too. apart from question marks and the odd comma this piece seems to be lacking in punctuation and while some pieces work well without it i think punctuation would enhance this piece dramatically
and one last thing... questions.
it can be hard to use questions in poetry.
personally i am not a fan of questions all clumped together like you have in this piece because it seems kinda angsty in some ways but also... you pile up the questions but dont pile up the answers which leaves the reader somewhat hopeless at the end.
you write about dreamers and dreams never being lost just forgotten.
think about putting something more specific. think about putting in some ideas of dreams that have been forgotten.
like... when i was little i was going to be a forklift driver and i was also going to be the prime minister of my country... i am neither of these things [though one day i will drive a forklift ] and i have no idea when i stopped dreaming such things...
what was the nature of these dreams? was it something you wanted to be/do? was it something to do with love? travel?
dont be afraid to be a little more specific... it gives the reader a point of connection and the ability to insert their own dream into the piece and identify with your words...
keep up with the good work!
keep trying to better your self expression
awhhh, i thought that this was really cute :]
the description you use in the poem is great, and your vocabulary is only getting better. i loved the 'remorseful tears burning in her eyes' lined, it really brought that stanza together.
in terms of writing, i can really see that you've grown.
keep it up chica. i love youuuu :D