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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: toriannett
    Elite Ratio:    6.03 - 3/3/2
    Words: 289
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 610
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1656



    Description:
       it's about overdosing on painkillers. no, i've never overdosed.

    this is older, so. don't mind me.
    all critique welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTendots
    -------------------------------------------


    The panic sets in and my breath starts to shorten
    My vision is blurry and my thoughts are contorted
    I cant feel my chest or my legs or my heart
    These pills in my system have torn me apart
    I can't take the dosage it was just too much
    My body is numb and it's cold to the touch
    And so I will lie here as calm as I can
    I know someone will find me and give me a hand
    But still I am dying here in the meantime
    A voice tries to tell me that everything's fine
    And I put all my trust in that voice in my head
    Took too many pills and now I'm lying here dead
    I have noone to blame now except for myself
    I wouldn't take your advice and get myself help
    You were trying to save me but I pushed you away
    That's the one thing I regret to this very day
    I shouldn't have fought you or got up to leave
    I should have put my faith in all you believe
    Now I feel nauseous the room starts to spin
    My chest starts to tighten the drugs just kicked in
    My heart beat is stronger than its ever been
    I'm so fucking stupid. Why did I take ten?
    Everything's dark now and I'm so afraid
    I trusted these pills and now I feel betrayed
    This isn't my fault I wont take the blame
    But what would it matter? I'm dying the same
    I'm floating to heaven as the angels sing
    Suddenly I feel someone clipping my wings
    I was so overwhelmed I didn't pray for my sins
    So I slip down to hell and that's how it all ends...




    Submitted on 2007-07-12 09:01:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, i'm so impressed with this. The whole rhyming couplet scheme works really well, and the lack of punctuation lets it flow nice and easy as you're reading it through. It almost sounds like a rap - something Eminem might do - and to be completely honest i was attempted to have a go....but then i came to my senses and realised i can't rap for [censored]. but, um, yeah.

    I hope this isn't based on personal experience, Lizzie, coz that would be a very sad thing. I like the whole thing so it's hard for me to be critical, so i will tell you my favourite bit:

    "I'm floating to heaven as the angels sing
    Suddenly I feel someone clipping my wings
    I was so overwhelmed I didn't pray for my sins
    So I slip down to hell and that's how it all ends..."

    These last four lines really make the poem for me. For there to be some kind of punishment for these sins (and others that aren't mentioned, i'm assuming) is a brave way to finish the piece. Kudos to you, kid.

    Jaco


    | Posted on 2007-07-12 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]


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