Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: early morning tripdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poppi
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 72/55/37
    Words: 178
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 1129
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 927



    Description:
       working on details, idk i might make this longer and turn it into an actual story or something


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsearly morning tripdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sat on a bench outside of Wal-Mart. Unfortiantly I had arrived a bit to early for opening. The cold morning biting at my exposed cheeks, and making a dance of my white breathe swirling from my lips. The sun glinted over the half deserted parking lot. One man slept in his car as the others were all empty. Morning shift employees, I sighed and closed my eyes. Why I insisted on being here so early I really couldn't tell you. Perhaps it was becuase no one else was about, or perhaps becuase i just wanted to get the shopping over with.
    Finally the door opened, I walked down the wide pathway separating the food from toddler clothes. Upon the last isle i grabbed the gallon of milk I had come for. Walking back through the same path way I made a left turn. Register 4 was the only one open. I smiled as the cashier rung up my order. I left the store with small confident steps now to make my way to the rite aid.




    Submitted on 2007-07-13 09:34:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i love the imagery in this piece, especially the line "and making a dance of my white breathe swirling from my lips." i could definately see you turning this into a story. an idea could be to wander throught the aisles of wal-mart, different ones could bring back different memories etc. but yeah, great imagery in this piece, im definately going to check out some more of your work.

    peace.Guermo
    | Posted on 2008-01-03 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    146636

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Chasing The Lie written by jackz
    Stretto written by saartha
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    Incubus written by monad
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Legends written by poetotoe
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry