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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bloody Riddledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: vitoko
    ASL Info:    24/M
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 690/442/104
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 863
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 1112



    Description:
       well i guess it would mark my getting back to ES i hope i can post more writing these days... well it was written a long time ago... i hope you like it and destroy it!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBloody Riddledots
    -------------------------------------------


    You might bleed for others’ pain
    Just to see their smiles one more time.
    And finally you would give me a “welcome”
    If I had to tell you “good-bye”

    Tears fall down without words in this page
    And you still could mean a lot to me
    My spilt blood has always been for you
    Your love is like a razor
    Does this story have a end?
    Vanishing scars
    But the pain is not forgotten

    And in my blood, we wrote a swearword
    So write me a last and a fake resolution
    Would you let me be your favourite death?
    And if I can be worth enough to that
    At least enjoy this words

    I Would include you on my requiem. But,
    would that mark the last time you cared for me?
    Or just the last time you forgot me?
    You never shined in my life
    But you gave me someone with whom I can walk in the dark

    solve my darkest riddle
    because it was created just for you
    condemn me for this sacred crime
    or be my last accomplice
    everything has similar ends




    Submitted on 2007-07-13 23:43:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like how you start it out with irony.

    You might bleed for others’ pain
    Just to see their smiles one more time.
    And finally you would give me a “welcome”
    If I had to tell you “good-bye”


    The only critique I have is minor, on grammar:

    Tears fall down without words in this page
    And you still could mean a lot to me
    My spilt blood has always been for you
    Your love is like a razor
    Does this story have a end?
    Vanishing scars
    But the pain is not forgotten


    This is a good stanza, but a end should be an end.

    I think the 'bloody riddle' is why we have relationships that come up in life, sometimes without us asking for them, and cause us so much pain. It's true that love can be 'like a razor'.

    And in my blood, we wrote a swearword
    So write me a last and a fake resolution
    Would you let me be your favourite death?
    And if I can be worth enough to that
    At least enjoy this words


    This words should be These words.

    Your poetry shows that you have a good grip on the English language, although it's not perfect. (Even some American's English isn't perfect, so go figure.) Frankly, I think your way of speaking is charming, but when it comes to poetry, proper grammar always has it's value.

    I Would include you on my requiem. But,
    would that mark the last time you cared for me?
    Or just the last time you forgot me?
    You never shined in my life
    But you gave me someone with whom I can walk in the dark


    The best stanza, in my opinion.
    | Posted on 2007-09-21 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
      lovely poem mann. i digg the end. that was wild.


    peace
    Grim Aylin
    | Posted on 2007-09-17 00:00:00 | by WD-40 | [ Reply to This ]
      My favorite lines were:
    "solve my darkest riddle
    because it was created just for you
    condemn me for this sacred crime
    or be my last accomplice
    everything has similar ends"

    You took me for a walk on the dark side and I felt encompassed in trying to solve the riddles. No, I didn't solve them, but you certainly got my brain spinning!

    Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-09-16 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]


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    146671

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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