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starts like this


Author: Sundance
ASL Info:    20/F
Elite Ratio:    3.28 - 15 /32 /11
Words: 63
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 886
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 439



Description:


the punctuations are on purpose, dont be confused.


starts like this



It starts like this
every time.
With forgetfulness and yet;
No forgiveness
It’s tiring you see:
Living with me.
And expecting everyday too.
Be carefree:
But there’s a fight,
mostly there’s just flight.
Into my imagination:
Pretending to be something else.
By the end of the week its back to me.
Back to where.
I used to be.




Submitted on 2007-07-14 11:51:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like the punctuation, but I don't like the switching from a steady rhythm with a rhyming pattern to random sentences that don't abide by it. For example:

'But there's a fight,
mostly there's just flight.
Into my imagination:
Pretending to be someone else.
By the end of the week its back to me.'

From 'into my imagination' to 'by the end of the week its back to me' there is no rhythm, and none of the ending words rhymed. It threw me off a bit. Not saying that everything has to rhyme, because I usually don't rhyme in any of my works, but only if you set it up as such. Am I making any sense? I just mean that if you meant it to be rhyming, which it seems like you did, then perhaps you should rethink those few lines here and there that don't.

There are a few grammar mistakes: "too" should be "to", "its" in the line 'by the end of the week its back to me' should be "it's."

Okay, back to the punctuation thing. I think the choppyness and the abrupt ending of lines is actually a really cool idea. My only problem with this was the use of the colons. After re-reading it, I almost expected those few lines to be especially significant, or have some pattern in which they appear, because they were the only ones to include that particular punctuation, but they weren't.

I also don't quite get the piece. It sounds like the narrator starts one way and ends up the exact same: where he/she used to be. It's all a little confusing. I'm not quite sure what the point was. I think it's rather unique, but it could use a little more clarity.

-Clarisse
| Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by JustClarisse. | [ Reply to This ]


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