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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: one last nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jazzy
    ASL Info:    14/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 84/139/145
    Words: 545
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 97
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3316



    Description:
       I wrote this at my writing camp


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsone last nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A morsel of tranquil night air tumbles into the open window in a swift, howling wisp. It
    groans very softly as it brushes past the silky curtains, reflected bright pink in the
    midnight moonlight. Gently, it wafts down from the worn window ledge and floats briskly
    above the plush carpet. Wind screeches outside like nails on a chalkboard, as it sprints
    back and forth, commanding fear and respect. Shrill, raspy breaths emanate from the small
    bed, draped in a pale blue blanket, where a girl lies limply on the mattress. She watches
    gravely as streaks of pale moonlight glide through the window, and perform intricate
    dances upon her floor.
    The night air slithers up the wall, adorned with rather whimsical wallpaper. Bright, green vines snake up the wall, sprinkled with the occasional leaf; it stretches from the deep black carpet, to the plain white ceiling. A swarm of doves scattered upon the vine, eyes to the sun, lustrous white wings outstretched. The doves themselves are very
    nonsensical, keeping the girl company in the dead of those long, cold, painful nights.
    Embedded within this wallpaper are the awful hospital smells, left over from long nights
    when she couldn’t open her eyes. The night air shudders at the idea of a long, razor-sharp
    needle glinting in the buzzing fluorescent lights of the hospital.
    A harsh wail of agony erupts from the fragile lips of the blonde haired girl tucked up in the bed. The night air trembles at the sound, several of the doves weep in hushed tones, and the curtains fall into a solemn silence. They’ve seen her cough before, but never quite as bad as this. She quivers harshly as she gasps, frantic to draw some of the calm, night air into her desperate lungs.
    A thunderous crash explodes from beneath the groaning, creaking floorboards. Probably another chair, slammed into the wall, or possibly another fist, hurled at some
    unsuspecting target. Muffled voices journey up the stairs, so quietly, nobody wants to
    wake her up. The echo of a woman weeping floats upwards, penetrates the floorboards, and into the ill-fated girl’s ears. Hospital bills have piled up; those small, sallow
    envelopes never cease to show up in the mailbox, every morning. Even the young, night air can smell the tension hanging in the air. Everything is okay in the end, no matter what, so maybe we just haven’t reached the end yet.
    A suffocating fit of choking overtakes the poor girl, as she quakes and thrashes upon the bed. Her weak head rolls upon her pillow, her shoulders shudder, and her blue eyes roll back into her head. Choking begins piercing and loud then gradually grows quieter as she loses strength. A popping reverberation comes from the wall at her beside. Deep in the dead of night, one the doves begin to writhe and struggle. With each cough and choke the dove grows tougher, slowly breaking free of the wall. Trying so hard not to shed a tear in
    front of the girl, the dove waits somberly for the life to finally exhaust, so his
    obligations could be fulfilled. Quickly, her struggling ceases, the dove grimaces at the
    thought. The dove flits out into the cool night air, taking with him one newly released
    soul.




    Submitted on 2007-07-14 12:15:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i've figured it out....finally....i read this like twenty times and i couldn't figure out what was getting me...first of wonderful writing...i'd say its better word usage than i've used in a good amount of my writing but agian like i said there was something i couldn't quite figure out that was pulling at my nerves...maybe i'm insane but the piece seemed to wordsy...everythin is described down to the last detail....nothing left to the imagination...yes i believe when writing you want to sketch an image but i always felt it was the readers job to fill in the rest thats the excitement of reading adding your own thoughts to the story itself....the writer should give you pretty much everything but a few wonderings of images like what if you didnt mention the color of the blanket or its texture maybe just how it layed on that person or perhaps the thickness...something but not to much but still enough to build that image in a readers head...but like i said before this is exellent writing...i loved the writing itself..but i had trouble keeping my mind from straying...because of ever teeny thing being described i kept getting mixed up..though towards the end i think it read alot better ...purps
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]


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