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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: OUR EXISTENCE (repost)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Mirror or Mask
    Total Views: 970
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1117



    Description:
       ok after re-reading my old poem i saw much more and deeper meanings in it. i looked it up in my book of poems and i wrote this 4 yrs ago when i was 16.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOUR EXISTENCE (repost)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Defy me no more and tear thee to shreds
    The dark corner of our minds hides the key
    The key that will open the book to our existence

    We open it to find nothing
    Much like ourselves; we are nothing
    A white page to be written on

    Dust covers the bindings of our bodies
    Soon we too shall be dust
    The pages to new to be old

    But our race to old to be new
    The humane thing is to question ourselves
    Befuddled by are own lives

    Yet still not quick enough to escape time
    Clasp the ghost of are former selves
    Read and take in what they have to say

    For and age of wisdom should be shared
    To begin this book; share one another
    Once the common theme of man is written

    The first line of the book can begin
    Continue through generations
    Answers of one, lead to questions by more

    Each person a journal; chapters in the book
    Once life ends add the journal to the book
    Then defy me no more and tear thee to shreds




    Submitted on 2007-07-14 16:43:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      The pages [to] new to be old =too?

    But our race [to] old to be new = too? i also question your use of "but"... but usually indicates a change in direction or tone of a piece but i cannot see that happen in this case.. 'but' seems a little too harsh for the position it holds.
    i have the same issues with "yet" beginning of following stanza.


    Befuddled by [are] own lives = our
    Clasp the ghost of [are] former selves = our
    For [and] age of wisdom should be shared = an



    personally i think you could have created this piece in much fewer words.
    i think the opening line needs more thought as it confused me and the rest of the piece didnt put it into perspective either.

    tear thee to shreds

    who?what? is thee...?

    it must be an important idea considering you bookended your piece with it.
    with that in mind i think you need to address what this idea is about...


    im not 100% that your 3 line stanzas work right throughout the piece. initially there is a sense of continuity from stanza to stanza but then it seems like each stanza is a new idea and very loosely related and that loses the thread of this piece and didnt help keep my interest.

    i think it is hard to write about existance and stay on track at the same time though...

    i think you start off well with this piece, even with the lack of punctuation... it works well but as the piece progresses and gets weaker there is a need for punctuation to separate ideas or bring them together...

    i dunno.
    realising you wrote this when you were 16 and prolly dont intend on revising it now...
    | Posted on 2007-07-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is the most unique poem that I think I’ve ever read on this site. I like the word play through out the stanzas, particularly this one:

    “Dust covers the bindings of our bodies
    Soon we too shall be dust
    The pages to new to be old”

    The whole poem portrays two ideas, one of life’s circle which repeats itself over and over, and two, the idea of life reading like a book. Does this have anything to do with the book of life in the religious aspect?

    It puts me in mind of the progress human kind have made over the centuries, maybe each progress is just like a chapter, just like the different things that happen to people are “chapters” in their personal lives. It’s like human kind reads like a story and the more journals that get handed in the more information we get, and the closer we are to discovering “the key that opens the book to our existence”.

    This poem really makes me think lol.

    I also like the first stanza:

    “Defy me no more and tear thee to shreds
    The dark corner of our minds hides the key
    The key that will open the book to our existence”

    It gives the impression that every person has to somehow contribute to the book or it just won’t work, it will be like missing pieces to the puzzle, and also following on from this idea maybe suggests that every person is equally important? I don’t know if it’s right but it’s the impression I got from it.

    I’m going to be really picky now as I suppose I have to leave some form of criticism in order to leave a comment.

    “Yet still not quick enough to escape time
    Clasp the ghost of are former selves
    Read and take in what they have to say”

    The above stanza has a typo in it, I believe you meant ‘our’ instead of ‘are’. Also there is another curious thing about this poem – it has hardly any punctuation in it. Was it intentional or were you using poetic line to break up the poem? It reads good as it is I was just wondering about the lack of punctuation that’s all.

    Anyway I enjoyed this, I love poems designed to make people think lol.
    I think I’m going to add this to my favourites.
    Great job
    Take care,

    *~xXxLinzixXx~*
    | Posted on 2007-07-14 00:00:00 | by Linzi | [ Reply to This ]


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