The night still with anger
All is but a whisper
Skies foretelling mystery
A moon illuminating misery
Voices calling shadow and light
Engulfing heart and soul with might
Existence torn to all ends with lost pain
Awakening eyes filled with self distain
Blurred to forget the thought of beauty
Desire to sleep forever with intensity
None to see or know what occurs
Leaving the shell to drift in a sea of rumors
Why and why drip from there faces
All the while finding perfect cases
Ignorant to the realm of dreams
Lost between the blanket seams
Asleep with the nights welcome
Silent and calm forever to come
| Existence torn to all ends with lost pain |
this line here trips me up in your otherwise seamless rhythm.
your use of rhyme is well founded. im not a fan of rhyme because most people tend to use it in blatantly obvious and trite manners which abuses the potential power of words. here you have done such a good job i didnt even realise you rhymed until i noticed reference to it in the comment before mine
my only issue with this piece is there seems to be a lack of emotion involved with this piece. you write of hope but i do not FEEL hope when i read these words. i am not sure how you could remedy such a thing though in keeping with the beauty of your word choice and rhyme etc.
i do like the way the two stanzas seem to be opposites in thought though. in creating the contrast the way you have it makes me see part of the vision of this piece.
hope is something we cannot live without
|| Posted on 2007-07-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] || ~*~|
Seems like a vision. Your rhyming sequence is very imaginative and you combine the words well. The imagery stirs the fantasies but also seems to be telling the reader more then just a literal interpretation. The lines aren't overcrowded, they seem to flow well with the rythm. An intriguing concept for sure.
|| Posted on 2007-07-15 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ] |