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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Passions of my Screamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DrkRomeo_sGirl
    ASL Info:    16/f/somewhere in my mind
    Elite Ratio:    2.97 - 77/75/26
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 991
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 728



    Description:
       screams are louder than words. but most cant hear .


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPassions of my Screamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The child-like screams of my past
    shadows on my face
    significant mask
    I hide behind my scars
    giving from the ones I onced loved
    my family flocked liked simple doves.
    The passions of my screams,
    only one person can hear me.
    Save me from myself.
    This is not the way it should be.
    Kiss my scrars, rub my burns,
    wipe my tears, calm my fears,
    he can only hear.
    Tame the beast that lives within my soul.
    Shattered heart, burn.
    Flames take toll.
    he won't let me burn,
    Not to let this demon turn.
    My passions of my screams ,
    Forever help me.



    To be continued.... maybe




    Submitted on 2007-07-15 11:23:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      [giving from] the ones I [onced] loved = given by?/once
    Kiss my [scrars], rub my burns, = scars


    other than repeating the fact that he is the only one who can hear you i dont think this piece achieves very much.

    when writing you need to think about what it is you want to achieve over all by putting these words together. you have to know where you are going and what you are saying or else the reader will spot it instantly.



    The child-like screams of my past
    shadows on my face
    significant mask
    I hide behind my scars
    giving from the ones I onced loved
    my family flocked liked simple doves.

    here you start with child-like screams but you dont mention them or give reference to them again. you dont even put them into context [except perhaps for the idea of having recieved them from the ones you once loved which im assuming to be family...]
    are you meaning to say that these child-like screams are like a shadowy mask on your face...? you give me no context within with to place these child-like screams. they dont even seem to fit into the piece...

    masks and hiding are quite cliché ideas. most ppl starting out on the path of writing poetry used these images countless times before they realise that they arent saying anything new. just something to be aware of i guess. i am confident you could find a better way of expressing the same idea...

    what is 'my family flocked like simple doves' sposed to mean?
    again it is something that has no context within the piece. doves usually represent peace...? why would your family have given you scars and produced childlike screams if they are the symbology of peace...?


    The passions of my screams,
    only one person can hear me.
    Save me from myself.
    This is not the way it should be.
    Kiss my scrars, rub my burns,
    wipe my tears, calm my fears,
    he can only hear.

    you prolly want to refrain from using the line "save me from myself"
    it would seem everyone has a song with that line in it these days... from evanesence right through to christina aguliera to lauryn hill to iron maiden...
    you gotta step your game up... gotta start finding new ways of saying the same thing...

    i think there are a lot of things you could do to make this piece better. dont be afraid of experimenting and exploring.
    put more of yourself into this piece and less of the angst.

    you have a voice that can be heard if you allow it
    good luck
    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    146743

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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