But WHY does it suck? I think you treated two separate themes, here, and that is why the poem seems to lack something.
The first theme is how your passion makes you want to write (because your beloved isn't present). You peaked on the figure of wax. Well, since the technique is to be Concrete, maybe the whole poem would better be about wax, with a few powerful words somewhere in it to make the reader clear what the metaphor is. Something like that.
The second theme is just how you feel about your beloved. This is kinda generic, because all folk with a passion for somebody have the same passion to talk about. Not wanting to repeat ten zillion times the first love poem ever written, poets ever since have tried to find an original figure-of-speech that can uniquely bond the two unique people. It would need to be something you both shared ... whatever ... and then for a concrete poem, the same as for (1): make the whole poem about the figure, just as long as that one special reader gets it.
Jon Donne got famous for writing generic love poems, sometimes longish and complicated. And the Sufi poets, say Rumi. They are about the spirit! Critics callthem "metaphysical" poems. But if you explore sonnets, they usually target the beloved in a maximum personal way, in an attempt to attract a personal response. Sonnets were meant to be sung, like under your window, to a lute or something!
I think what I'm trying to show is how we have a choice between praising the Spirit Of Love, or else trying to get into somebody's pants. Anything in between can seem confusing or un-focussed?
So if this poem sux, which maybe it doesn't but you thought it does, well I think it is because your dependency on Art, and your other dependency on the beloved, are both expressed in the same piece, and that in a confused way.
But anyway, I like the poem! So it's not all that easy to comment ... as usual ...
i liked it- liked the way its forced jagged edges communicated a forced jagged kind of feeling.
i like the way you become demanding of your reader (as if he's the one to blame) - :))
can you s e e
this? can you?
you demand that he should feel for you, the author, as you feel for him or her, all those readers, blatantly ignorant of all the pains that art sometimes brings. that every reader should be aware that your 'soul is burning and yearning' and should be able to give back some of that 'work of mind and soul' in return.
very good strong and angry and unexpectedly gentle (at the every end) piece.
i like your experimentation.
i like that you are setting out to put some thought or idea or emotion into concrete form and it just isnt working as well as you'd hoped.
and i like that you dont settle for just one way of presenting words but that the whole piece is a hotch-potch of different tools and formats... reminds me of that time on the simpsons that homer was trying to build a BBQ and it got turned into an art exhibition [dunno if youre a simpsons fan and i dunno why it came into my head...]
and while, in the end, you really dont say anything in this piece i think you also manage to say eevrything.
i am sure many a person has found themselves in this postion... something to say and no power to say it. its the most frustrating thing.
but i think its some form of tribute... writing something like this... coz at least youre not sittng round wishing you could write something... you know...? atleast theres some kind of active persual of the notion...
in destined time, regardless
this would have to be my most favourite part right here.
it seems of late all i hear is the setting of wax... time is moving regardless of my want for it to move in more significant moments...
yes. while i know you dont feel you have expressed anything i think you have expressed more than you realise...
maybe your masterpiece will be written tomorrow