Huanchaco by Lerlim

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Submission Name: Huanchaco dots

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Author:	Lerlim
ASL Info:	48/M/France
Elite Ratio:	8 - 110/54/18
Words:	85

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	171
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	541

Description:
Note:
Garúa is a dense fog that typically covers the Peruvian coast in the winter months

Huanchaco dots

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Huanchaco

Garúa blinds the beach each day
Grey on grey and grey waves breaking

Pelicans and gulls partaking
In the play of grey on grey
Are aching for the sun’s awaking
Driving dreary days away

Yet sand and sky and sea are prey
To grey on grey and grey waves breaking

And though my mind’s eye should be waking
Colour in its flaming ray
My fantasy is in the sway
Of grey on grey and grey waves breaking

Submitted on 2007-07-15 19:02:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I find the poem very well written, with almost mesmerizing sound qualities.

The word "flaming" and "fantasy" are, in my opinion, EXTREMELY effective. This is because before they are used, the poem uses only 1 "f" sound in "for", and the "v" sound (which is a labio-dental fricative like "f", meaning they are pronounced the same way) only twice in 2 "waves" (line 2 and line 8). When I first read "flaming" it sort of dispersed (no, burned!) the grey fog away which the poem had been building. The word "fantasy" continues this temporary jubilation. The last settles back into the grey fog.

I like the para break, better this way:

Garúa blinds the beach each day
Grey on grey and grey waves breaking
Pelicans and gulls partaking
In the play of grey on grey

Are aching for the sun’s awaking
Driving dreary days away
Yet sand and sky and sea are prey
To grey on grey and grey waves breaking

And though my mind’s eye should be waking
Colour in its flaming ray
My fantasy is in the sway
Of grey on grey and grey waves breaking

The above reformatted poem brings expectation at the end of the 1rst stanza for the line to go on, and the 2nd stanza fulfils that. This produces disconnected continuity and haziness in the piece, melding well with the theme of how we feel in a fog. We can see the gulls are doing something in the fog, but we can't see exactly what it is?!, and have to wait till the start of the next stanza to find out! I hope that made sense.

"Yet sand and sky and sea are prey". I think the "s" sounds breaks up the foggy atmosphere you were trying to create, and according to me, they diminish the effectiveness of the first 2 stanzas. Unless you were aiming for something altogether different.

The line breaks are natural. (according the silent syllable theory in your journal!)

Overall, I think this is a stand-out piece.

| Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
  I read this one a while back and really liked it. (Still do in fact). It's beautiful in a haunting way, due no doubt to the almost mesmerizing repetition of "grey on grey."

I find the transition from v1 to 2 awkward. Have you considered just leaving off the word "are" and beginning the line with "aching"...it's such a nice strong word, and rhythmically more pleasing (to my ear at least) without the "are". Similarly in the following verse...I think the "and" is superfluous and indeed breaks the rhythm. Perhaps also punctuation would help the reader along?

Garúa blinds the beach each day:
grey on grey and grey waves breaking.
Pelicans and gulls partaking
in the play of grey on grey,

aching for the sun’s awaking
driving dreary days away.
Yet sand and sky and sea are prey
to grey on grey and grey waves breaking.

Though my mind’s eye should be waking
colour in its flaming ray,
my fantasy is in the sway
of grey on grey and grey waves breaking...

Oh for a walk on the shore right now...

~chris

| Posted on 2007-08-16 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
  definately a fan of the repetition used.

i really can't bash this, but i can suggest that you make scarcer use of capitalization.

caps are better reserved for making a point or indicating the start of a sentance, that said, when used out of context capital letters tend to confuse readers a bit and cause them to insert pauses where they ought not be.

which sucks.

because then they can't fully enjoy your piece.

sad day eh?

anyhow.

i really enjoyed this piece, and the magnificent description of your peruvian beach fog.

(because i can't make that ' over the U)

excellent work, and put out more like it

until next time,
~krg
| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
  Of grey on grey and grey waves breaking

i love the sounds this line makes when i read it.
grey on grey and grey all sound like crash crash crash of the waves... though at a distance... say the nights i can hear the sea from my bedroom... when the waves prolly break slower than they sound to be breaking because distance has muffled the noise and made all bleed into one elongated sign of sea spray.

now added to the description of what Garúa is it would have been helpful if you had have mentioned that Huanchaco was a beach in peru coz i know absolutely nothing about anything and had to dictionary.com it LOL! but then it is possible that i am the only person that doesnt know what your beach here is famous for

the only thing about this piece i didnt really like was the way the second stanza started with "are".
it doesnt seem like a continuation of anything from the first stanza and it doesnt appear to be the beginning of a question in the second stznza... it just seems horridly out of place...
perhaps you could replace it with something else...?

i think your use of repetition in this piece is good. because your Garúa seems to bring this grey dull repetition to life... it gives the piece weight and makes me wonder what the point of being at the beach to witness this weather is...
then i decide... what if it is not the weather anymore but rather my attitude toward it... toward life... its funny the way the weather controls our emotions sometimes... winter we are cold and blue... spring we are excited... summer we are lazy and autumn we are falling apart...

yeah... i think you have conveyed your idea well here
| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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