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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Huanchacodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1622
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 541



    Description:
       Note:
    Garúa is a dense fog that typically covers the Peruvian coast in the winter months


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHuanchacodots
    -------------------------------------------


    Huanchaco

    Garúa blinds the beach each day
    Grey on grey and grey waves breaking

    Pelicans and gulls partaking
    In the play of grey on grey
    Are aching for the sun’s awaking
    Driving dreary days away

    Yet sand and sky and sea are prey
    To grey on grey and grey waves breaking

    And though my mind’s eye should be waking
    Colour in its flaming ray
    My fantasy is in the sway
    Of grey on grey and grey waves breaking






    Submitted on 2007-07-15 19:02:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Who knew repetitiveness could sound so poetical and... right. I could almost feel the grey surrounding me while reading.

    Grey: to one- dreary, to another- hypnotic.

    For me, I can only take grey in small doses... but the grey in your poem was mesmerizing.

    SO well done.
    | Posted on 2010-01-04 00:00:00 | by kre8ive1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I found you by finding ponykeeper (who has some lovely poems of her own)

    You know you've got some winning lines there :)

    I agree the infamous "are" chris mentioned stops you in your tracks first up but I went back and read it again and found the flow.

    What trips the reader up is the lack of punctuation.

    Pelicans and gulls, partaking
    In the play of grey on grey,
    Are aching for the sun’s awaking
    Driving dreary days away

    the inclusion of two commas prompts you to read and then drop the info and this allows for the smooth transition to "Pelicans and gulls are aching"

    Interestingly this entire passage is the one that gives me most reason for pause since "partaking" lends itself toward thoughts of food and I guess the reason I question it so much is that these birds don't fly for fun, which where the narrator imposes his views on the birds. Probably a bit nitpicky because it's this dance of nature that they become part of and are probably forced to out of hunger.

    I'm jealous because you words are really addictive.

    Well done.

    DB


    | Posted on 2009-03-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I find the poem very well written, with almost mesmerizing sound qualities.

    The word "flaming" and "fantasy" are, in my opinion, EXTREMELY effective. This is because before they are used, the poem uses only 1 "f" sound in "for", and the "v" sound (which is a labio-dental fricative like "f", meaning they are pronounced the same way) only twice in 2 "waves" (line 2 and line 8). When I first read "flaming" it sort of dispersed (no, burned!) the grey fog away which the poem had been building. The word "fantasy" continues this temporary jubilation. The last settles back into the grey fog.

    I like the para break, better this way:

    Garúa blinds the beach each day
    Grey on grey and grey waves breaking
    Pelicans and gulls partaking
    In the play of grey on grey

    Are aching for the sun’s awaking
    Driving dreary days away
    Yet sand and sky and sea are prey
    To grey on grey and grey waves breaking

    And though my mind’s eye should be waking
    Colour in its flaming ray
    My fantasy is in the sway
    Of grey on grey and grey waves breaking


    The above reformatted poem brings expectation at the end of the 1rst stanza for the line to go on, and the 2nd stanza fulfils that. This produces disconnected continuity and haziness in the piece, melding well with the theme of how we feel in a fog. We can see the gulls are doing something in the fog, but we can't see exactly what it is?!, and have to wait till the start of the next stanza to find out! I hope that made sense.

    "Yet sand and sky and sea are prey". I think the "s" sounds breaks up the foggy atmosphere you were trying to create, and according to me, they diminish the effectiveness of the first 2 stanzas. Unless you were aiming for something altogether different.

    The line breaks are natural. (according the silent syllable theory in your journal!)

    Overall, I think this is a stand-out piece.

    | Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this one a while back and really liked it. (Still do in fact). It's beautiful in a haunting way, due no doubt to the almost mesmerizing repetition of "grey on grey."

    I find the transition from v1 to 2 awkward. Have you considered just leaving off the word "are" and beginning the line with "aching"...it's such a nice strong word, and rhythmically more pleasing (to my ear at least) without the "are". Similarly in the following verse...I think the "and" is superfluous and indeed breaks the rhythm. Perhaps also punctuation would help the reader along?

    Garúa blinds the beach each day:
    grey on grey and grey waves breaking.
    Pelicans and gulls partaking
    in the play of grey on grey,

    aching for the sun’s awaking
    driving dreary days away.
    Yet sand and sky and sea are prey
    to grey on grey and grey waves breaking.

    Though my mind’s eye should be waking
    colour in its flaming ray,
    my fantasy is in the sway
    of grey on grey and grey waves breaking...

    Oh for a walk on the shore right now...

    ~chris




    | Posted on 2007-08-16 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      definately a fan of the repetition used.

    i really can't bash this, but i can suggest that you make scarcer use of capitalization.

    caps are better reserved for making a point or indicating the start of a sentance, that said, when used out of context capital letters tend to confuse readers a bit and cause them to insert pauses where they ought not be.

    which sucks.

    because then they can't fully enjoy your piece.

    sad day eh?

    anyhow.

    i really enjoyed this piece, and the magnificent description of your peruvian beach fog.

    (because i can't make that ' over the U)

    excellent work, and put out more like it

    until next time,
    ~krg
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      Of grey on grey and grey waves breaking

    i love the sounds this line makes when i read it.
    grey on grey and grey all sound like crash crash crash of the waves... though at a distance... say the nights i can hear the sea from my bedroom... when the waves prolly break slower than they sound to be breaking because distance has muffled the noise and made all bleed into one elongated sign of sea spray.


    now added to the description of what Garúa is it would have been helpful if you had have mentioned that Huanchaco was a beach in peru coz i know absolutely nothing about anything and had to dictionary.com it LOL! but then it is possible that i am the only person that doesnt know what your beach here is famous for

    the only thing about this piece i didnt really like was the way the second stanza started with "are".
    it doesnt seem like a continuation of anything from the first stanza and it doesnt appear to be the beginning of a question in the second stznza... it just seems horridly out of place...
    perhaps you could replace it with something else...?

    i think your use of repetition in this piece is good. because your Garúa seems to bring this grey dull repetition to life... it gives the piece weight and makes me wonder what the point of being at the beach to witness this weather is...
    then i decide... what if it is not the weather anymore but rather my attitude toward it... toward life... its funny the way the weather controls our emotions sometimes... winter we are cold and blue... spring we are excited... summer we are lazy and autumn we are falling apart...

    yeah... i think you have conveyed your idea well here
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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