Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Post Break-Updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katana Ryoko
    ASL Info:    17/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.86 - 483/428/109
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 759
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1139



    Description:
       I like some parts of it, don't like others. I didn't mean for it to have a rhyme at all. But you can see it in some parts that it does have somewhat of rhyme. Tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPost Break-Updots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pumping blood through my veins
    Seems a harder task nowadays
    For my heart is bruised
    And every move reminds it
    That it's still black and blue
    Very deeply and darkly so
    Even though you left a month ago

    Concentrating on the task at hand
    Is impossible for my mind to comprehend
    Because even to this day it is cluttered
    With thoughts of you, my lost lover
    What could have been maybe forever
    What was a simple love between us
    Even though you left a month ago

    But left isn't really what you did
    We're still friends that conversate
    No, I don't let you see my pain
    It comes out at times, I know you know
    You tell me you're sorry, the one to blame
    Tell me you love me, it just isn't the same

    Don't explain to me anymore
    I already know where we went wrong
    Yes, I wonder if it can be fixed
    But I'm afraid as to where it will lead
    More mistakes and broken promises?
    I'm young, I can still look for perfection




    Submitted on 2007-07-16 02:08:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i had a hard time reading it and had to read it out loud. the rhyme structure was kind of goofy and hard to keep up with for me. to some it would be good but ive read a few of your poems and this one didnt have the same passion. i would say get past this loser and enjoy life. your young and love isnt as rare as it used to be, despite what wed like to romanticize.

    jon
    | Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by jonny b | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece has what mine usually lack, structure. aside from technical prodding. i can level with you on this piece i lost the love of my life a month ago as well. I found it truly is harder to function or concentrate without her running through my head.
    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by debbieXY | [ Reply to This ]
      Young and spoken with wisdom ~
    i like it ~it has a voice of its only~
    deep and pure~ mixed with
    lost love~
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by lyricvixen | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    146778

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    untitled written by Outlaw
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry