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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Post Break-Updots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katana Ryoko
    ASL Info:    17/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.86 - 483/428/109
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 795
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1139



    Description:
       I like some parts of it, don't like others. I didn't mean for it to have a rhyme at all. But you can see it in some parts that it does have somewhat of rhyme. Tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPost Break-Updots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pumping blood through my veins
    Seems a harder task nowadays
    For my heart is bruised
    And every move reminds it
    That it's still black and blue
    Very deeply and darkly so
    Even though you left a month ago

    Concentrating on the task at hand
    Is impossible for my mind to comprehend
    Because even to this day it is cluttered
    With thoughts of you, my lost lover
    What could have been maybe forever
    What was a simple love between us
    Even though you left a month ago

    But left isn't really what you did
    We're still friends that conversate
    No, I don't let you see my pain
    It comes out at times, I know you know
    You tell me you're sorry, the one to blame
    Tell me you love me, it just isn't the same

    Don't explain to me anymore
    I already know where we went wrong
    Yes, I wonder if it can be fixed
    But I'm afraid as to where it will lead
    More mistakes and broken promises?
    I'm young, I can still look for perfection




    Submitted on 2007-07-16 02:08:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i had a hard time reading it and had to read it out loud. the rhyme structure was kind of goofy and hard to keep up with for me. to some it would be good but ive read a few of your poems and this one didnt have the same passion. i would say get past this loser and enjoy life. your young and love isnt as rare as it used to be, despite what wed like to romanticize.

    jon
    | Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by jonny b | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece has what mine usually lack, structure. aside from technical prodding. i can level with you on this piece i lost the love of my life a month ago as well. I found it truly is harder to function or concentrate without her running through my head.
    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by debbieXY | [ Reply to This ]
      Young and spoken with wisdom ~
    i like it ~it has a voice of its only~
    deep and pure~ mixed with
    lost love~
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by lyricvixen | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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