Alien-like and very rare
a creature lay alone and bare
Astounded by its exquisite splendour
I could not help but stare
Overwhelmed by my inquisitive nature
I was instantly incited to go nearer
I questioned my sanity and paused
but an ever growing anxiety implored me to go beyond the point of safety
the creature lay but feet away
Glassy eyes protruded my mind
Read my thoughts, my hopes, my fears
what was mine was now his
I tried to look away
Pointy, dwarf-like ears listened
Heard my cry for comfort, for love, for a friend
I tried to look away but instead I yearned to stay
I heard a voice, untrained but real, speaking to my soul
It understood my suffering
I understood his
The creature and I was one
A sudden darkness swept over me
I could not even see me
I felt a hairy hand touch mine
Feelings of comfort, stability filled me
Then it was gone
The creature was dead
The friend I gained
Was a friend I lost
Was a friend I’d cherish for life
The creature was with me now
| Wow this is an awesome poem. It really stirs the imagination. I dont know what the deeper meaning is, but I just enjoyed the poem at its face value. Good work :)||| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ] || Creatures are always so difficult to express in the best possible way. They are so mysterious and scary at the same time it wants a person to run away as well as come forward and see what this thing is all about. |
I think you've done a great job at narrating the story. It is very intriguing and descriptive and it did deliver the purpose of what you were trying to tell.
I do believe you have to revise this a bit because i'm sure your thoughts have changed about this piece and there are certain things that you might not be happy about. Don't be scared to change this poem. Sometimes you might find something that you've never thought of before. I think you should look at some new words. There are places that are offbalance and does not sound to well. Try reading it outloud and see where you stop. Also i think the structure of your piece needs to be looked at as well. Does it have a pattern or does it complete the idea of the stanza. If you're jumping from one stanza to another and you don't know why, i think you should look at it.
Other than that, it's always hard to write about creatures. i know when i wrote "I am your monster". It didn't turn out too well but with a little work, I'm sure i'll find my monster (or as in your case, your creature).
|| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] || hmm, a narration of some strange experience, fictitious.|
here are my mechanical suggestions friend:
"glassy eyes protruded my mind"
protruded means to stick out, to extend from the base.
another word could be used here, one that works. think of the idea you want (invaded, raided, broke into) and then grab a thesaurus and find a synonym.
"i heard a voice, untrained but real"
once again, untrained does not fit here so well. i'm not certain what you mean to convey, but another word should take this place (i feel)
"the creature and i was one"
replace was with were.
i don't feel that this piece accomplished anything other than telling a bizzare story.
i suppose if that was the goal, than it was accomplished, but i was looking for more.
regardless, you knew what you wanted and went for it, which means you are not a worthless sod.
good job, keep writing fella.
|| Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ] |