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    dots Submission Name: A normal day at the office.....or is it?dots

    Author: Lord Bane
    ASL Info:    24/M/Isle of Wight, UK
    Elite Ratio:    2.26 - 40/81/50
    Words: 348
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 534
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2112

       This is the opening to (what at first appears to be) a detective story I came up with. The set-up is that Tom Laker (the main character) has a fairly boring life as a cop until a rather nasty case arrives....which isn't as simple as it seems.....

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA normal day at the office.....or is it?dots

    Tom woke up, still suffering a hangover from the night before. At least he knew work would be the usual boring routine, it meant he could get some sleep in between. Once he had dressed, had breakfast and got ready for work, he spotted a message on his answering machine. He pressed the play button:
    "D.C.I. Laker, we need you at Monk's Wood, we've found a body. We think we might have a serial killer on our hands."
    Tom sprang into action, there hadn't been a serial killer in these parts for years. He jumped into his car and drove straight to Monk's Wood. When he got there he showed his card to get through the police cordon. He was met by his pathologist, Connors, who looked shaken.
    "What are we dealing with Max?"
    "You don't want to see the body Tom, she's been killed pretty brutally. Won't know the cause of death until I've done a post-mortem."
    Tom watched him walk to the van. He was shocked, Connors was difficult to shock but he looked like he'd seen a ghost. Tom drove to the station, waiting for Connors to call him to see the body. When he got the call he headed down to where the bodies were kept. He could see the newest victim, who was barely identifiable in the state she was in.
    "Girl, aged 21 we think, no ID though. She's been butchered Tom, just like the last two girl's we found."
    Tom had clear memories of the two other bodies, Max was right. He felt sick thinking the guy who had done this was still walking the streets.
    "I guess I'll leave you to sort out DNA and...."
    "Tom, there's something you should know," Max said. "I had my suspicions with the first two, but now I'm certain. It wasn't a human who killed them."
    "You mean we have a wild animal on the loose?" Tom was worried, this just kept getting worse.
    "No, whatever did this was no animal I've ever seen, whatever did this isn't from our world."
    To Be Continued....

    Submitted on 2007-07-16 15:22:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      lol if i would have read this before the warplord parts, i wouldn't be so hard on it now.

    that being said.

    i like this guy because he seems real...he's got a boring job, and from the looks of it (making his own breakfast, having to answer a message from his machine) he lives alone...so of course he's going to have a headache. what else to people do when they're lonely and have a same thing every day job? they drink their loneliness and boredom away. he's an everyday kinda guy. normal, as sad as that may sound.

    and ok, they found a body similar to another pair they found, brutally killed, but i wouldn't have someone saying it's from another world right off the bat. perhaps having them wondering what it is...there being a big fight from media because cops have no answers...people getting frustrated as more and more girls die...and then one kook coming out and saying that it's aliens and he's seen things like that before, and no one believing him except the cop from the beginning of the story.

    that would be a little more....easier on the brain than a right off the bat "it's aliens we're under invasion everyone panic!!!" book.

    just some suggestions.

    | Posted on 2008-07-25 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, dramatic much. Without too much on explaining it…ooo…that’s some points off.

    Hang-over, is he a heavy drinker? Does he like to go out and party. Very nice, I like how you make the reader guess.

    But, you could have had more buildup to the main point of the story. It seems kind of dull that he goes to his message machine and poof his next case was already there.

    Also, you where sloppy about explaining what was in the story. I think you could have done more then just that.

    Needs a lot of work, but otherwise, turning this into something great would be easy for someone like you. :)
    It was alright.
    | Posted on 2007-08-16 00:00:00 | by darkmoonchild | [ Reply to This ]
      Awesome! This site needs a mystery story!! woo! hope to see more. ttyl man!
    | Posted on 2007-07-16 00:00:00 | by darkwiccan14 | [ Reply to This ]

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