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    dots Submission Name: Late Exile Oceansdots

    Author: Porcelaine
    ASL Info:    27/F/Croatia
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 880/703/256
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 819
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1141

       This is more of a rhyming exercise since I haven't written anything rhymed for a while. I thought about getting back on track.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLate Exile Oceansdots

    Dark days, dark nights
    Darker even her delights
    As her heart's an ocean keep
    Which is why she'll always weep
    Even when she's put to sleep
    Fearing more and more of dawn
    When she blossoms back to cage
    Quiet down her growing rage
    Write her dreams another page
    More and more to abyss drawn
    Blackened eyes, ash and myst
    Match her beauty…morning stars
    Crystal ink her body marrs
    Full of light but full of scars
    Those of war and those of dusk

    So the story will be told
    Echo out into the cold
    That she fought but fought alone
    Right beside her naked throne
    No more tears but those of stone
    When she gives her soul away
    And the monsters she befriends
    Just before her daylight ends
    Shedding down her last amends
    Drawing out a sword of heirs
    As her nightmares shake the land
    Plague its shores and steal its poems
    Bred the savage in its homes
    Where her mind imprisoned roams
    Haunting memories like they were lies

    Submitted on 2007-07-17 01:59:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Neat rhyming exercise! Unlike Someones Epiphany, I like the little halting unrhyming lines. Just adds something to it.

    This is a very neat picture. A princess exiled in a watery prison at the bottom of the ocean. Nevermore to see the light of day...literally! It's dark down there!

    At the end it almosts seems like she is able to "leave" her body and exact vengeance on those who sealed her. At least, that's what I at the end of the second stanza.

    You are a fantastic fantasy writer! Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-10-17 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      i cannot rhyme.
    i detest rhyme [though mostly because i cannot do it lol.]

    i think what you have here is good but i think it would be better if your rhyme scheme was consistant because it would help keep the continuity of the piece.

    right now you have

    A, A, B, B, B, C, D, D, D, C, E, F, F, F, G
    A, A, B, B, B, C, D, D, D, E, F, G, G, G, H

    while each stanza is roughly the same rhyme scheme the scheme itself is rather awkward and, in my ears, causes the flow of the piece to be disturbed.

    the only thing i would say over all though is that you have to becareful that your use of rhyme doesnt detract from the message of the piece and the images you have created. i find that sometimes piece that rhyme flow so effortlessly that the reader is whisked through the words.. kinda like riding a wave... but when they hit the shore/end they have no idea what the piece was about... just that they read it...
    im not sure how to remedy that but it is something to be aware of.

    but really good work with your rhyme.
    it doesnt seem forced which is great!
    | Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      amazing write! one of the best ive read! keep it up! drop by sometime!
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by damienelizabeth | [ Reply to This ]
      this write excites me! i absolutely >love< the rhyme scheme here. my favorite part was where it said "When she blossoms back to cage
    Quiet down her growing rage". this poem was fun to read..great great work. but why did her nightmares steal the lands' poems?? i didn't understand that. other than that, thanks for entertaining me with your obvious talent.
    </3 lisa
    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
      The two stanzas induce two very different atmospheres of thought.

    The first one - a dark gothic ambiance with a romantic touch, and the second a more typical 'medieval', dynamic picture.

    I guess your mind too is pendulating between dark romance and revolt...
    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by -Lith-Ium- | [ Reply to This ]
      Ach. Too brilliant, as always. Nothing beats your imagery. However it might be the lack of writing anything rhymed, it seems slightly off. The rhyme pattern is interesting though.

    Or that could be just me. Grr.

    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]

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