Description: This is more of a rhyming exercise since I haven't written anything rhymed for a while. I thought about getting back on track.
Late Exile Oceans -------------------------------------------
Dark days, dark nights
Darker even her delights
As her heart's an ocean keep
Which is why she'll always weep
Even when she's put to sleep
Fearing more and more of dawn
When she blossoms back to cage
Quiet down her growing rage
Write her dreams another page
More and more to abyss drawn
Blackened eyes, ash and myst
Match her beauty…morning stars
Crystal ink her body marrs
Full of light but full of scars
Those of war and those of dusk
So the story will be told
Echo out into the cold
That she fought but fought alone
Right beside her naked throne
No more tears but those of stone
When she gives her soul away
And the monsters she befriends
Just before her daylight ends
Shedding down her last amends
Drawing out a sword of heirs
As her nightmares shake the land
Plague its shores and steal its poems
Bred the savage in its homes
Where her mind imprisoned roams
Haunting memories like they were lies
i cannot rhyme.
i detest rhyme [though mostly because i cannot do it lol.]
i think what you have here is good but i think it would be better if your rhyme scheme was consistant because it would help keep the continuity of the piece.
right now you have
A, A, B, B, B, C, D, D, D, C, E, F, F, F, G
A, A, B, B, B, C, D, D, D, E, F, G, G, G, H
while each stanza is roughly the same rhyme scheme the scheme itself is rather awkward and, in my ears, causes the flow of the piece to be disturbed.
the only thing i would say over all though is that you have to becareful that your use of rhyme doesnt detract from the message of the piece and the images you have created. i find that sometimes piece that rhyme flow so effortlessly that the reader is whisked through the words.. kinda like riding a wave... but when they hit the shore/end they have no idea what the piece was about... just that they read it...
im not sure how to remedy that but it is something to be aware of.
but really good work with your rhyme.
it doesnt seem forced which is great!
this write excites me! i absolutely >love< the rhyme scheme here. my favorite part was where it said "When she blossoms back to cage
Quiet down her growing rage". this poem was fun to read..great great work. but why did her nightmares steal the lands' poems?? i didn't understand that. other than that, thanks for entertaining me with your obvious talent.