Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Pain's Paradise

Author: Suven7
ASL Info:    20 female Fla
Elite Ratio:    7.08 - 478 /260 /47
Words: 121
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1005
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 744


This is a poem I wrote many years ago. I stumbled upon it today and can only wonder at how messed up and hurt I must have been to write something like this. lol.
Don't worry, there's more of where this came from.

Pain's Paradise

You who I've loved for so long
Emotions no rhythm nor tune
Can ever mold to be a song
You alone can thaw off this block of ice
Keep me from becoming like you
But first row me off of this paradise.

I’ve tasted all the ocean’s salty sprays
And felt all too long the sun’s harmful rays
You’ve left me here without a care
Out in the open for all to see bare.

Now row me off to the ocean’s uncharted parts
Across these waves of troubling woe
And around those pools of marred hearts
These words I say
The nights I pray
The thoughts that lay
Before us has always been of you.

Submitted on 2007-07-17 17:42:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Hmm! I don't know why I didn't comment on this before. Perhaps it's because I don't have too much to say about it. It's just one of those poems that leaves you thinking "Hmm! Yes..." and then your head is filled with so many thoughts all at once.

Except I love the title. Love love love it.

Also, the way the poem reads is interesting. I can't point out exactly what it is, but something in the way you word things is just Different. Not different bad; no, not bad at all. Just different. And I say that is good.

| Posted on 2007-09-24 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
  It seems that you are writing, or at least posting, a few more poems these days, Suven; and that is a good sign, as you were the one to start to many of us off on this site.

I like this poem, you know; it's a shame that you hadn't posted it earlier, but perhaps it did not seem as good then, or held to much meaning.. who knows. As some of the other commenters have noted, you did you a relatively traditional rhyme scheme in places—but, I'd like to say that that is never a bad thing if it fits; and I don't think you were limited persay by the scheme.

Indulge me as I go off on a crazy tangent of interpretation; I generally don't believe in analyzing symbolism to an extreme, but I had a thought as I read this. The title is "Pain's Paradise"; and, as the other readers have picked up on, you specifically address paradise, a type of shore or island that you currently rest on. But, you don't address the pain directly; your imagery throughout suggests the pain you felt, not just the island. It is as if the paradise did indeed belong to pain, but pain also owned the entire ocean around it. Perhaps when you ask the Subject to row you away, it is not to pleasantness, but to a more self-realizing, honest pain, not tangled with the delusions of paradise; for only there, in stepping away and realizing the whole of pain can you not "become like him" and have the chance to thaw—perhaps to change things, or be free.

Did it happen?

Nice write. I'm sure that all that junk in that paragraph above was just crazy, and does not fit your intentions at all. Yet, that's the image I was left with. And it sounds... deep enough for your style.

| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Ari Leukos | [ Reply to This ]
  I too stumble from time to time on past pieces that i wrote and sometimes when i look at it and read it, i remember the things that i been through and how glad i am that i was able to overcome it. That's what i love about writing. You can always look back and say to yourself "Well if i can go through this and come out alive, then i can do anything". I keep writing for the purpose that one day, it could actually save my life.

Anyhow, about your piece. I think that you have based your entire ideas on emotions which make it a bit hard for a person who has not experienced what you have to follow you perfectly clear. I think that it doesn't really show that you have thought this through in the way you're going to write it and how it's going to finish. I think you just wrote it with the flow.

I loved the "you". It was as though it was shouting out of the screen and giving me the illusion as though i was saying to myself "Who me?". It did have that kind of effect and i think you could have used it a little bit more. It woulda made the piece more strong.

I think you should have emphasized a little bit more on paradise as being an island. You did this for a glimpse of a moment and i totally adored that moment. Probably you can use pain's paradise in an island sort of way where you want to get on a boat and just get out of there. I would have made an interesting imagery.

But apart from that, i totally think you've done a great job though it was made years ago. I'm glad you overcame this obstacle in your way.


| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  I had to read this twice before I fully understood it. Personally I felt that the rhyming seemed a bit forced and you could have conveyed what you were trying to say, if you did not have to limit your vocabulary to an AABB rhyming pattern. Past the the poem, however, I feel that the emotions are very strong and I can understand what kind of pain you must have been going through. That is one thing I would praise you on. It is very hard to be able to connect with the reader. You did an excellent job showing me how you felt and making me feel it too. Over all, however, I felt it was a good write, but could have been better without the rhyming scheme.
| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]
  have you been writing anything much lately?
forgive me for not having been by your page in a while. its too easy to lose ppl on this site

did you adapt anything before you posted this?
there are a few things in here that arent quite right... the last line ought to be have rather than has i think.

if it wasnt for the title i dont know whether i would have understood this in the way in which you meant for it to be understood.

initially i thought this was addressed to a person but i think it is actually addressed to pain... right?

i thik it is natural, at one stage or other, for us to fall in love with/have a fling with pain.
emotional pain can take on god like status... something we cannot see but are aware of and constantly blame everything wrong in life on...

this is an interesting piece in that light.
i like that this can be read as if pain is personified... as if this were to a real person who was capabable of doing all you asked of them...

and pain is like a deserted island... no one can feel your pain with you no matter how badly they insist they can...

yeah... im glad that this is a past piece and this isnt how you feel now but i do think you have invested a lot of truth into this piece
| Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?