Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
    • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
    • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: dream landdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poppi
    ASL Info:    15/f/?
    Elite Ratio:    7.81 - 54/40/30
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 97
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 631



    Description:
       just a few thoughts i put together.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdream landdots
    -------------------------------------------


    hair on a spindool
    thread unwound
    tieing me together
    with sloppy stitches
    heartache and headaches
    ebbing with the tide
    can't find,
    what was never lost
    never there to start
    stars and skies
    hate and war
    love and death
    all is fair,
    in dreamland

    eyes opened
    ideas found
    hope thriving
    words are spoken
    papers written,
    and always burned
    arrow at my finger tips
    black crow in an apple tree
    lullaby for clouds
    loves homicide
    all is fair,
    in dreamland




    Submitted on 2007-07-17 18:19:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hair on a [spindool] = spindle
    [tieing] me together = tying


    in some ways its as if you have modified other peoples thoughts and put them in a new context.

    the end of the first stanza makes me think "all's fair in love and war" as you mention all of those words in very close succession just out of order and context.
    i think you have to be more careful [though if you didnt know that this is what you have done then i guess youre kinda aware now...]

    i dont think you paint anything about how all's fair in dreamland...
    i think your piece would have a better base if you did so that the reader could structure their own thoughts and build from yours.
    right now this piece seems like a poorly punctuated list.. it doesnt really tell me any of the things it vaguely promises to.

    i think you should take this thought and make it more. work on your punctuation. i think you have a comma where it isnt needed and i think there are various other places that a comma could be used.

    so keep working at this piece.
    dont let it stop here incomplete


    | Posted on 2007-07-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?    		7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    146858



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry