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    dots Submission Name: we're out of luck, lovedots

    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1176
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 805


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswe're out of luck, lovedots

    we’ve moved onto espresso
    and awkward silences
    your thick fingers are taptaptapping
    at your napkin and in your eyes
    I see the ghosts of more
    than this failed affair

    i’ve felt those fingers
    when they were kind, gentle
    and anger had not yet
    found a way between us
    your brows shadowed and dour
    harder than I remember seeing them
    in the dim light of your kitchen
    your wife gone for the night

    you were drunk while my sobriety
    left no room for excuses
    I pulled my panties down without shame
    and smiled while you lapped at me
    with hunger and softness

    my coffee is now as cold as your countenance
    and I have no words left for you

    Submitted on 2007-07-18 00:59:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Oh... and one more thing comes to mind....a pity [censored]....that is what this feels like. bah!!!!
    | Posted on 2007-10-19 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this yesterday, and wanted to comment... You are very apt at setting a tone. And it is interesting, as a reader, being pulled into the the scene by the 'body language' of the words. And it is weird, I am not sure how to process this...or from what perspective...yours or theirs. There is a tension on both sides. And there is a finality here....like cold espresso...like we are sooooooo done (spoken with hand in the air).
    | Posted on 2007-10-19 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the start of this poem:

    "we’ve moved onto espresso
    and awkward silences"

    Those awkward silences are the worst. When you know your relationship is failing, but you have no idea what to say to save it.

    The rest of the first verse is also excellent. I didn't like the rest of the poem so much, but I think that's because I was looking for a description of your previous emotional closeness, wanting to know what filled the silences, and was a little disappointed to find it was only sex. So I couldn't mourn for the lost relationship in the way I expected to be able to by the end of the poem. I don't know, maybe you meant it to be that way.

    Anyway, had to comment on that fabulous hook at the beginning. Nice one!

    T x
    | Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by tulip | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent title. I was truly drawn to you piece that i couldn't wait what was in store.

    The story you have portrayed is rather sad and passionate. You wrote this piece as though it came from your heart and that truly shows in your writing.

    I see the ghosts of more
    than this failed affair

    I love this sentence. So much of trouble seems to be stirring up from this affair and yet the problem is not only that. It seems as though you're trying to understand the other person's problems rather than yours.

    There were parts that i thought were rather weak and could be strengthened like most of your lines such as:

    your brows shadowed and dour
    harder than I remember seeing them

    and smiled while you lapped at me
    with hunger and softness

    I don't know. I just think it could be stronger. But other than that, i think you've done your job rather well. The ending was perfect. I can picture you with this face in a coffee shop trying to talk about your future when you realize there is no future and the only thing left to say is absolutely nothing. It's well done.


    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I found this to be a very sad case. Something that stood out to me was the part about it being a "failed affair”. That struck me as odd because usually a marriage is proclaimed a failure.

    I imagine the setting for this scene taking place in a cafe or waffle-house perhaps in twilight hours. You realize such a transformation in a person from sweet & loving to hard & angry.

    It just seems like this relationship was shallow to begin with.

    Truly enjoyed the reading.

    Take care,
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      ooo... an affair...

    when i read the word 'affair' earlier in the piece i didnt realise, until the mention of wife, that it was to be taken literally.

    this is a very good write.
    i am greatly impressed by it.

    the tension is evident.
    the anger and resentment and the overness of the whole situation.
    but there is a moment of recognisation that it wasnt always like this... and i appreciate that...

    i like the honesty of this piece.
    his drunkenness and your sobriety.
    the fact that you were without excuse for the encounter... maybe you wish you were... i dont know...

    we've moved onto expresso

    i love this for a starting line. i really do. the idea that expresso is short and strong and sposed to give you a jolt. the idea that expresso is just one shot and thats it... then you part your ways and whatever...

    yup. this is a really good piece!
    its good to read you again
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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