I think you did a wonderful job. Instead of physical pain I feel like it's more emotional. I think you did a marvy job and I would like to add it to my favorites. I can feel the hurt I understand the never ending cycle of being trapped in your own life. I believe that you didn't use any phrases from other poems or songs, I think you did this with your own talent and some people can't see that. My favorite part in your poem is And with one big swallow it's put in my past. For one moment it's all okay,
but this mere moment won't last.
I liked it because I understand that truth that the pain never leaves it will always come back. Also I liked how you didn't state what the pain was you just let us keep guessing. I feel that's what poetry is all about.
(I know you're allowed to criticize peoples work here but, what that guy said up above was rude!! You worked hard and he thinks you stole it from others! He needs a good bashing. By the way everything I said was true!)
It's merciless pursuit
is like a bullet to my brain.
i would refrain from using 'like a bullet to my brain' because it makes me think of ricky martins livin la vida loca...
supposing that because the pills actually help with the pain it would be easy to assume that you are talking about physical rather than emotional pain [though i am quite sure that isnt the case.]
you need to be more clear as to what you are talking about.
what is this pain?
what is causing it and why?
why dont you want the pain? i find that sometimes pain is a good thing because it reminds me im still alive... still human... still functioning...
i would think about trying to say this in a different way.
i do not think that 4 line stanzas with rhyme help you state your case here. i think there could be more effective ways of doing that.
i say this because your rhyme in some places does not feel natural... like it has been forced and therefore the message of your words is compromised.
be clear about what you want in this piece... do you want the pain to go so you dont need to take these pills? or do you want death or what...?
try to find your own ways of saying these things instead of using cliché phrases that are a part of many songs and poems already...