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    dots Submission Name: Soon Againdots

    Author: 777sacrites777
    ASL Info:    24/F/TX
    Elite Ratio:    3.06 - 343/189/83
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1144
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 767


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSoon Againdots

    What I feel in this mind
    is impossible to explain.
    It's merciless pursuit
    just feeds off my brain.

    To overcome this torture
    I've succumbed to this last resort.
    The pills seem to be
    my one and only support.

    And with one big swallow
    it's put in my past.
    For one moment it's all okay,
    but this mere moment won't last.

    Soon again i'll feel the pain
    that burned so deep before.
    It'll all come rushing back
    and i'll reach for the pills once more.

    There's apparently no answer
    to this aching inside.
    I'm trapped in this cycle,
    there's no where to hide.

    Submitted on 2007-07-18 01:50:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      a beautiful beautiful poem, tells the truth about pills and their only temporary erase. a good write! keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by damienelizabeth | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you did a wonderful job. Instead of physical pain I feel like it's more emotional. I think you did a marvy job and I would like to add it to my favorites. I can feel the hurt I understand the never ending cycle of being trapped in your own life. I believe that you didn't use any phrases from other poems or songs, I think you did this with your own talent and some people can't see that. My favorite part in your poem is And with one big swallow it's put in my past. For one moment it's all okay,
    but this mere moment won't last.
    I liked it because I understand that truth that the pain never leaves it will always come back. Also I liked how you didn't state what the pain was you just let us keep guessing. I feel that's what poetry is all about.

    (I know you're allowed to criticize peoples work here but, what that guy said up above was rude!! You worked hard and he thinks you stole it from others! He needs a good bashing. By the way everything I said was true!)

    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by LadyDoragon | [ Reply to This ]
      thank you, so much.
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
      It's merciless pursuit
    is like a bullet to my brain.

    i would refrain from using 'like a bullet to my brain' because it makes me think of ricky martins livin la vida loca...

    supposing that because the pills actually help with the pain it would be easy to assume that you are talking about physical rather than emotional pain [though i am quite sure that isnt the case.]

    you need to be more clear as to what you are talking about.

    what is this pain?
    what is causing it and why?
    why dont you want the pain? i find that sometimes pain is a good thing because it reminds me im still alive... still human... still functioning...

    i would think about trying to say this in a different way.
    i do not think that 4 line stanzas with rhyme help you state your case here. i think there could be more effective ways of doing that.
    i say this because your rhyme in some places does not feel natural... like it has been forced and therefore the message of your words is compromised.

    be clear about what you want in this piece... do you want the pain to go so you dont need to take these pills? or do you want death or what...?

    try to find your own ways of saying these things instead of using cliché phrases that are a part of many songs and poems already...
    good luck
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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