Disturbed Nights by Depdem

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Disturbed Nights dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Depdem
Elite Ratio:	4.29 - 92/88/44
Words:	73

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	80
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	492

Description:
SO i wake up at 3am with a headache after a couple of nightmares.

Disturbed Nights dots

-------------------------------------------

Perplexed truth
Why must you haunt the blissful sleeps?!
Why must you anguish a soul…
A soul lost in its own misery?

You have no right!
To enslave by day
And torture by night

Hear the reason,
Confused sadistic truth,
Inflict no more sorrow
Or there might not be a tomorrow.

You must understand
The price of your freedom.
Please!, do not force the hand which feeds you.

Submitted on 2007-07-18 03:51:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
You have picked an excellent topic. Plenty people go through disturbed nights but not many people write about it.

I woke up last night 3;30 because my boyfriend somehow got into my dreams with his snoring. I have to put him in a certain position for him to stay quiet. It does be quiet at night but when he's not in a certain position, all hell breaks loose for me.

Anyhow, back to your piece. As i said, excellent topic choice but you need to work on your ideas. It's there but it can be expanded or used more efficiently. I feel like the story is being half told.

Also i feel some of your lines need to be changed like:

To enslave by day
And torture by night

Inflict no more sorrow
Or there might not be a tomorrow.

Please!, do not force the hand which feeds you

I think your ending needs to sharpen. I don't think this last sentence solves the problem of the piece and i don't think this lines does anything in the end. In my opinion, i think you should look at what it is that's bothering you from sleeping and instead of saying, "i hope it goes away tomorrow", instead try to say "What am i going to do about it". To me, it would fit better.

Other than that, very creative and original.

Cheers,

Irina
| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
you gotta change your last line.
if you had anything going on in this piece you killed it with the hand that feeds...
do you know how many songs have that line in it...?
im sure you can come up with a completely original way of saying that... cant you...?

disturbed nights are the worst.
i havent slept for 4 nights now. my mind just wont shut off. i swear its working 100mile an hour. but that kinda disturbment is much better than the kind when you wake up petrified or screaming or out of breath or whatever.
those nights sucks the most!

i think you could write this piece better.
i think you need to find the point you are trying to make and embrace it.
fidn the point of the disturbance and write about it.
right now your stanzas dont actually feel very complete or like theyre saying all they could.

what is the perplexed truth you start this piece with? i dont think you bring the truth to light at all throughout the piece. if you dont tell the reader what the truth is how will they know...?

Hear the reason,
Confused sadistic truth,
Inflict no more sorrow
Or there might not be a tomorrow.

this stanza filled me with hope for a second. i thought you were going to tell me what the voice of reason was but im not so sure you have... how is the sorrow inflicted? what it is aim and where does it hit? and why would tomorrow not come...?

you need to be more clearer about your intention with this piece.

i hope your headache goes soon
| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.