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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: HEdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lelik
    ASL Info:    40/M/Jhb - South Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.31 - 1194/986/192
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1248
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 919



    Description:
       Well, I need help revising this. I'm not sure if it is clear or getting the message across. Please?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHEdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The compulsion to pen down in broken words this matter
    of alternate perspective Ė seeking anotherís mutual attention,
    but not blindly staring at walls. One who scans the horizon
    and sees what lies beyond; my love, you are one of the latter.
    Agony is easily expressed by a harsh, thoughtless expletive
    while lofty thoughts of love require a boundless talent Ė
    you looked at the stars beyond this ephemeral, earthly tent
    giving me yourself, your time and new reasons to live.

    With a kiss Iím moved to galaxies past the tardy light,
    with a step your distance is like the eternal empty course
    of longing space and bridged again by a whisper or a smile
    that draws me to your infinite gravity and holds me tight.
    Iíd exclaim that youíre a god for warping this universe,
    but it is not so. Iím just honoured to know you a while.




    Submitted on 2007-07-18 04:26:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ...it's that format again; it's that seemingly ageless way of telling everyone it's love about which you write.

    we all think of sonnets as the vehicle for a bit of gushing sentimentality but you remain sufficiently bloke-ish and book-ish to balance out the obvious need to articulate your feelings, with the contiguous need to chuck in a couple of quite punchy lines like:

    agony is easily expressed by a harsh, thoughtless expletive

    and:

    but it is not so. Iím just honoured to know you (for?) a while.

    and you know your stuff mate and it seems that it needs you to be happy or sad in order to puke it up. but that is so often the way of isn't it?

    just a good job this: it reads as you knew it would and it tells the story well. for those of us who care to read other stuff it is a hybrid of the shake and omar khayyam and this echoes your last line i think:

    and if the wine you drink, the lips you press,
    end in in the nothing all things end in - yes -
    then fancy whilst thou art, thou art but what
    thou shalt be - nothing - thou shalt not be less

    good to see you writing again buddy and probably creaking out the odd (as in the occasional!)smile once in a while too

    take it easy mate,

    k
    | Posted on 2007-07-19 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Agony is easily expressed by a harsh, thoughtless expletive
    while lofty thoughts of love require a boundless talent Ė

    I am captivated by this line because i find it written in such originality and such truth that it's hard to pinpoint any problems with your piece.

    I happen to think that writing about agony is so much easier than writing about love because to be able to write about love in a way that no one has ever expressed is hard. Everyone has written about love already that simple lines no longer applies and sorrow becomes an easy topic because there is so much different type of pain.

    draws me to your infinite gravity and holds me tight

    Again, you hold me tight with this piece, i cannot stop until the very last sentence. What is it you needed to revise because i see nothing wrong.

    I see this as one of the most original love poems ever. There are so many love poems but this one is one of a kind. The person who has inspired you must really be someone special and it is obviously clear because this piece is a delight.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is beautiful daryl.

    it is true. writing about pain and hurt is so much easier than writing of love. i think part of the reason this is so is because so many have written of love that nothing we say sounds very new at all... you know...?

    i love the way you encorporate the universe and other galaxies and everything in this piece.
    for a little bit i thought i was wrong in thinking this piece was directed at a man and thought perhaps this was written to/for/about god.
    but then when you said that this person could be a god for the way theyve warped your world... for the power they have over your life/love/heart/emotions i realised that this piece is for a special somebody...

    i think this piece has a great balance and perspective to it. the way you balance out right at the start with the different schools of people/though and then indicate which one it is that HE fits...


    most of all i find the happiness that excudes from this piece to be comforting. i pray for you always and hope that you are happy and this piece, more than any words we could exhange, tells me that you are happy. and that is good.

    i am in love with the fact that he brings new reasons to live as if you are a planet and he is the oxygen that makes the planet livable...

    beautiful daryl.
    i dont see anything in need of changing right now. i am glad you posted
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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