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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Starlightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 301
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 1148
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1962



    Description:
       *gasps* I wrote something. Well after a late night of listening to acoustic stuff, I kind of had to.

    It's an expansion of a haiku I wrote a while ago with the same title, and I also added in some ideas I've been toying with for a while about my life moving on now i'm 18 and me being helpless to stop it.

    but anyway, if anyone can suggest a category that would be great, and also some suggestions because this is a first draft. also this is quite long so bare with me, and I DO intent to put this to music. I'll see what I can come up with. enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStarlightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's the end of an era
    And there's nothing we can do,
    We can't turn back the clocks
    Not matter how much we want to.

    But you take me back to a moment in time
    When we were young and we were alive.

    And now I hope that the memories will last,
    Of these 18 years that have gone so fast,
    The world is spinning and I'm left behind,
    Beneath the starlight, are we...
    Beneath the starlight, are we anything at all?

    It's the end of an era
    And there's not much to say,
    We could have been so different,
    It's a shame we turned out this way.

    Now our lives move into the afternoon,
    Our summer's been and gone too soon.

    And now I hope that the memories will last,
    Of these 18 years that have gone so fast,
    The world is spinning and I'm left behind,
    Beneath the starlight, are we...
    Beneath the starlight, are we anything at all?

    All the youth I've had has had it's day,
    There's not much more I could have done,
    A hundred thousand memories
    Are now setting like the sun,
    After everything has had it's day,
    And after everything is said and done,
    I won't forget anything
    Despite all we have become.

    And now I hope that the memories will last,
    Of these 18 years that have gone so fast,
    The world is spinning and I'm left behind,
    Beneath the starlight, are we...
    Beneath the starlight, are we anything at all?

    And now I know that these memories will fly,
    These are the only things that keep me alive,
    The world's revolving but I'm right behind you,
    Beneath the starlight, are you...
    Beneath the starlight, are you everything to me?
    Are you everything to me?




    Submitted on 2007-07-18 05:31:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Those first eighteen years of life are among the most remembered. I really appreciate nostalgia (LOL---probably because I've experienced lots and lots of years) and enjoyed reading this piece. In line four, I think "not" should read "no matter." Sharon
    | Posted on 2007-11-30 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
      "It's the end of an era
    And there's nothing we can do,
    We can't turn back the clocks
    Not matter how much we want to."

    I don't think this part is needed, at all. You repeat yourself and this message throughout the poem, so why do you need the synopsis at the beginning? We have the idea and the impression from the second stanza, and it is much clearer there than it is in that first stanza.


    "All the youth I've had has had it's day,
    There's not much more I could have done,
    A hundred thousand memories
    Are now setting like the sun,"

    The first line feels a bit...bumpy. You need something a bit more simple, like

    "My youth has had its day."

    For the sake of rhyme and flow,

    "Are now a setting sun."

    Don't use "and" so much the begin a sentence. What thought(s) are you continuing?

    This would song better to music, possibly.
    | Posted on 2007-07-29 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Well here's the proof that you need to keep writing. What talent!

    This really made me want to cry. To think about growing up and moving on. To leave everything you ever knew behind and become someone you don't even know.... hmmm.

    Well I do like how you made a point to not forget the memories, cause I think those are very important. And wow I love how you decided to end this. Very beautiful.

    Favs for sure

    Great job once again,

    -steph
    | Posted on 2007-07-19 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      This was outstanding and I like the nostalgic aspect but also the aspect of what's available to you right in the NOW.

    I could really hear these lines flowing out to some old-timey music - slow and perhaps bluesy.

    I have no complaints and I think you did a great job!

    Isn't it wonderful how inspiring music is!

    Happy Day!
    love,peace,joy&smiles to share

    tif
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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