dreamland *re-make* by poppi

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Submission Name: dreamland *re-make* dots

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Author:	poppi
ASL Info:	15/f/?
Elite Ratio:	7.81 - 54/40/30
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nostalgia
Total Views:	88
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	575

Description:
well i redid dreamland, i relize how bad the first one was and hope this one is worth reading. let me know what you think

dreamland *re-make* dots

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Hair on a spindil
My thoughts unwound......
Faery's dance upon a trembling ground,
And the wind whispers to the willow branches,
Skin a milky palled
Is the idol, of the ravens balled
This is dreamlands epiphany,
The unfrozen glow
Skimming across the snow
Is radiance in all it's glory.
Welcome to a world, you'll forever know
Dreamland the great,
Splashed in emerald ocean's wake
Keep your eyes closed
And forever you'll be
Dreamlands golden key

Submitted on 2007-07-18 15:14:53 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Hair on a spindil = spindle
Faery's dance upon a trembling ground, = faeries?

Skin a milky palled
Is the idol, of the ravens balled

this part here is awkward and i cannot quite understand what it is you are trying to say here...?

Is radiance in all it's glory. = radiant?

i have to say that i like this revised version a whole lot more than the first one.
you have done well in modifying it.
though i think this one is a whole lot harder to understand...
your words seem in an awkward order that do not make this piece seem as magically dreamy as i would expect it to be given the topic.

but do not give up on it!
keep fiddling with it.
keep working with it.
it will get better each time you do
| Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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