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    dots Submission Name: dreamland *re-make*dots

    Author: poppi
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 72/55/37
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 893
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 575

       well i redid dreamland, i relize how bad the first one was and hope this one is worth reading. let me know what you think

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdreamland *re-make*dots

    Hair on a spindil
    My thoughts unwound......
    Faery's dance upon a trembling ground,
    And the wind whispers to the willow branches,
    Skin a milky palled
    Is the idol, of the ravens balled
    This is dreamlands epiphany,
    The unfrozen glow
    Skimming across the snow
    Is radiance in all it's glory.
    Welcome to a world, you'll forever know
    Dreamland the great,
    Splashed in emerald ocean's wake
    Keep your eyes closed
    And forever you'll be
    Dreamlands golden key

    Submitted on 2007-07-18 15:14:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hair on a spindil = spindle
    Faery's dance upon a trembling ground, = faeries?

    Skin a milky palled
    Is the idol, of the ravens balled

    this part here is awkward and i cannot quite understand what it is you are trying to say here...?

    Is radiance in all it's glory. = radiant?

    i have to say that i like this revised version a whole lot more than the first one.
    you have done well in modifying it.
    though i think this one is a whole lot harder to understand...
    your words seem in an awkward order that do not make this piece seem as magically dreamy as i would expect it to be given the topic.

    but do not give up on it!
    keep fiddling with it.
    keep working with it.
    it will get better each time you do
    | Posted on 2007-07-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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