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Author: shaman
ASL Info:    32/m/Holland,MI
Elite Ratio:    8 - 821 /406 /72
Words: 80
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1965
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 498



Description:


Probably one of my shortest pieces ever. it doesn't feel finished but they almost never do. Suggestions for a better title welcome.


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where is the passion that once fashioned words into verse?
The masculine worshiper of curves
Patiently waiting all day for his lovers kiss

Now even her hips can't sway my opinion
her fingertips, lips and tits are still my dominion
But her skin is a poor substitute for her touch
i want so much to be kissed and caressed
Thrown on the bed, wrestled with or undressed
To hear her lips profess her ever undying love





Submitted on 2007-07-19 07:12:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  But her skin is a poor substitute for her touch

it's one of those lines that sends a thrill through the reader i
me. I too think that a woman or lover as the subject is too easy, it makes me think of a passion becoming a job, like writing did for me a couple of years ago.

i don't have any advice to give. it was a hungry and sensual read to me. and yes a better title would be nice.
| Posted on 2007-08-18 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  Awww...the bliss of poetry in craving passionate motion.

I love your ability to take longing to the next level, some thing I'm afraid I'll never be able to do.

masculine worshiper of curves

Beautiful...and so very telling of the soul you are!!!
I truly love the feeling of being in awe but lacking so much at the same time...you know the way longing has a hold on my heart. Maybe that is why I can't write anymore...not longing enough...blah...whatever.

I know this will probably be a shock to your system being as I've been away for so long...but I came to say hi and saw this and could not---not leave a comment.

It is true Shaman fashion...with the Beautiful soul of Dave peeking and bursting through...I love it.
I also don't see as to why you would want to change a thing about it...Title or length !!!
It is Perfect the way it is...but you know how bias I can be, especially with your work.

Peas, Carrots,
Rainbows, Butterflies
&
all my Love
| Posted on 2007-08-16 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
  this is so sad dave,sounds like you two need to find some time for eachother...yet i know its hard for you because you work two jobs and your girl is on different shifts....
I feel such longing all the way through this piece yes its short but even short poems if written right can pack a bigger meaning than a long winded one...and this is one that is full of meaning.....
I really do hope there will be a time when the two of you are home together and you two have a time just like this poem holds full of passion take care dave
| Posted on 2007-08-13 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
  my first impression of this poem was a longing for a loved one that is not around but something just did not click with that idea. I reread in four times and now what I get from it is, you were not longing for a person as much as the longing for the feeling that a perfect writting, or the wonderful idea. could be way off but the first line sort of threw me in that direction. your "lover" is your art?
| Posted on 2007-08-06 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
  "Now even her hips can't sway my opinion" - That is just awesome on its own!

I think some pieces are better presented in minimalistic style and this didn't need further elaboration.

Yes, I agree with SE, a different title but one's not jumping out at me - maybe like she said Violent Femmes?

Happy Day!
love,peace,joy&smiles to share
tif
| Posted on 2007-07-19 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  so she is yours but her heart is far away...?
thats what i get from this piece...

i am especially in love with the idea of

But her skin is a poor substitute for her touch

this is the most amazing line i have come across tonight. the idea is so true and the way that we can quite often substitute one thing for another... sometimes without even recognizing... and the way we settle for second best... okay... so this is as good as it gets...
its sad.

its funny how perfectly the violent femmes accompany this piece...

and yes. you do need a different title though i have no idea what it ought to be.

and yes it is short but i wouldnt say it is incomplete...
| Posted on 2007-07-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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