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In the cold of dusk
Keep the embers burning,
Tonight, ‘til next morning.
In the darkness, dream
Not of yesterday’s fight
No, not of your future plight.
In your sodden bed
Awaken to the frigid air
Embrace morning’s golden mare.
For tomorrow you’ll know
That you will conquer your foe.
In the turmoil of day
Keep your might,
Keep your enemy in sight.
Amid the stench of death
Keep firing, advancing
Ignore the bleeding,
And hollow aching
Of your trembling heart.
When the skies start to dim
And your lids begin to fold
You’ll know a bullet has found you
And driven a deadly hold.
Close your eyes
Savor the victory
As another soldier dies.
| I randomly read this again today and decided to comment on the rhyme scheme. I like it in that it was not consistent; it made you concentrate more on what was being said. So often when poems have a perfect rhyming scheme, it's easy to get this whole sing-song voice going where you're just going with the rhythm instead of the words and the meaning. So I don't know if you did this on purpose or not, but I suppose it is a good technique to get the reader to pay more attention!||| Posted on 2007-09-18 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ] || You truly are a twisted daughter of out mother.|
I kinda like the way it looks and some of the rhyming seemed as if if came naturally but the second to the last stanza was a little weird. It made me laugh a lil.
"Close your eyes
Savor the victory
As another soldier dies." this stanza was pretty cool, I think the most powerful words here. I really liked the title, mine sucks. I didn't even know you wrote this poem! Gee, what kind of sister are you???
|| Posted on 2007-08-27 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ] || It's interesting the different depths you pursue in this poem. The shallow physical feelings to the deeper feeling of the mind and heart. |
I especially liked the flow of this:
"You'll know a bullet has found you
And driven a deadly hold."
Very accurate yet romantic way of explaining a tragic death.
You exhibit your suveness with your changing of point of view mid stanza :P
I like "Didn't you know soldiers die," instead of the current ending, even if it doesn't rhyme. :)
"keep firing, advancing
Ignore the bleeding, and hollow aching."
This completely expresses the determination and desire to serve in when the end result is death. The way that you omit the factor of death until the end helps to portray the feeling of unkowningly risked life, however I'm not sure if it means they entered the war unknowngly. To say so would almost be in insult.
Perhaps what you meant is they didn't know what they were fighting for or that they did not agree with the values of their leaders. A soldiers occupation is to die with honor and glory.
I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for the insight and I hope mine doesn't seem to harsh >.>
Olah89 - Andy
|| Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ] || This is the sad truth for many soldiers. God bless every one of them. You've done a great job with this write. You wrote in such a way it's almost like you leave the reader to see the heart falling. I believe it is a passionate write and will be able to touch many on an emotional level. Excellent!! Thanks for the share and good luck with all your writing!||| Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by gigglebox | [ Reply to This ] || I really liked this piece but was disappointed with the last line. It confused me. However, this is just my view.Over all its a great write. ||| Posted on 2007-07-20 00:00:00 | by sunnysideup | [ Reply to This ] |