Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mr. and Missingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 460
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1131
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3344



    Description:
       ~just another day at the office~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMr. and Missingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mr. and Missing

    Well, yeah, I waited. But what you said would happen didn’t happen, and I can’t wait all da…hold on, someone at the door.

    Hello?

    Mr. Fitzhume?

    Yes?

    Hello, I’m Detective Al Dente. We’re investigating a missing persons report…a lady in the building…

    Mine?

    Excuse me?

    Building?

    Uh, yes, an anonymous call…

    Is it true when spouses disappear the…survivors are grilled like fish on a spit looking for inconsistencies in their stories?

    Wha…?

    Just curious.

    Mr. Fitzhume, I’m…not certain where this line of questioning is going…and I do have some important questions to...

    I’m an old man dying slowly…but not nobly…eaten up with every cancer known to man swimming like piranha through my system. I’ve got a pain like a knife in my hip and I’m limping, pissing poison and glass and little bits of myself. I’ve got all day to answer questions and all day to ask them. Now, why don’t you humor an old man who feels like hell?

    Sir. I…

    Is it true the ‘big book of inane procedures’ always reminds the constituent officer to-more or less-subtly offer condolences to the bereaved and gather evidence against them in case all other leads dry up?

    No sir, that’s not true at all…

    And if they provoke the remaining spouse to anger or any other ‘unusual’ behavior that would be…I don’t know, typical?...under the circumstances, it’s like a footnote in the book on unoriginal thinking, you know the one. ‘a million and one ways to champion the obvious?’

    I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave sir. But before I do, I feel I should point out that I think you…have us all wrong. We’re trying to find a missing individual, not make an arrest. You can’t possibly be insinuating we’d railroad someone into prison or be unfeeling to the survivors of a tragedy. I mean really…

    Am I threatening to you officer?

    Uh…no, Mr. Fitzhume, not in the least.

    Would you like something to drink? Some tea?

    No, sir not really…thank you.

    Have a glass anyway.

    If you insist…

    My wife…disappeared.

    Really? How…

    She died.

    Oh, I’m sorry to hear that sir. What was her name?

    Wanda.

    That’s odd…my wife’s name is Wanda. When did she die?

    In about an hour.

    Have you noticed the tea has the flavor of nutmeg? So warm and so soothing…

    Officer...?




    Submitted on 2007-07-21 17:51:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You are a creepy little man, Bill Suter! lol
    What was the nutmeg stuff in the tea? I saw a movie once where Jodie Foster poisoned someone with almond flavored cookies, and now this? Almost makes me want to learn to cook!

    Annie
    | Posted on 2007-08-04 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      The simplicity of it all is where the brilliance lies. A very subtle piece, it ends so soon after it begins that it left me a little dizzy once I finished. My one crititcism is of the sudden change of pace with the tea. It really requires the reader to suspend his/her disbelief to think that a police detective would so willingly ingest anything offered by someone speaking in such a hostile manner. Maybe I'm just that paranoid, but I know that if someone spoke so abrasively toward me while I was investigating the disappearance of someone living in their building, especially their spouse, I would most definitely be suspicious of that person and most assuredly would not take such a sudden change of tone lightly.

    Otherwise, it was brilliant, as I've come to expect whenever I happen by your page to take a peek at your works. Keep writing my good man.
    | Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]
      That was so cool i really liked it. I loved the play on words and metaphors it was so awesome!!!!!!!! i hope u keep on writing things that good because i can't wait to read some more!!!!!!!!!! : )
    | Posted on 2007-07-24 00:00:00 | by hurtbutstilhere | [ Reply to This ]
      holy [censored] man. this was very cool. in so many ways. these are well thought of characters and sound like they're actual characters you just plucked out of thin air or even better, the nearest person next to you. very well formed indeed. what makes them unique, in the fictional sense is that its as if they're made up of metaphysical clichés that practically write themselves and instantly form themselves in the reader's mind. wonderful.

    story wise, this thing is smooth. you've employed one of the most powerful tools in storytelling (and quite possibly religion) the air of unspecifity, truly, that which does not matter, doesnt matter.

    i dont see any plot holes or loose ends anywhere and seems... perfect. an enjoyable and smart set up of the scenes being played out, with just enough nifty little questions floating around that dont really need answers. like mr fitzhume, presumably and from what i gather, making an irate phone call to some costumer care hotline of a certain product that he was clearly dissatisfied of, also presumably, having something that is somewhat of a chemical substance of sorts.... or sorts....

    or did it have nothing to do with the plot? how very sneaky.

    and i wonder about that detective al dente, why was his manner nonchalant and why did he even bother to entertain a senile old fart? was this guy that apathetic of a detective? if so, very interesting quirk.

    and that anonymous phone call tip.. how, as they always are, very suspicious and auspicious. i think im lisssping.

    i was wondering about that other missing woman. ah well, i'll guess we'll never know.

    the old guy's point of view is also quite novel and highly indicative of his character. just brilliant man.

    towards the end, twas fitting. the character, everything. the old guy inviting the detective in for a seemingly innocent cup of tea. how very come-into-my-parlor-said-the-spider-to-the-flyish without the flattery. ok now im just making up things. anyhow. faved.

    peace.




    | Posted on 2007-07-22 00:00:00 | by Pietro | [ Reply to This ]
      first up... the dectives name is HILLARIOUS! lol. Al Dente... some italian cooking term about perfect pasta... on purpose might i ask...?


    once again you have taken over the world with your prose. i am still working up the courage to give it a shot but every time i read your stuff i decide the idea is futile let alone the execution of it.

    i love the way you are able to tell a whole story via dialogue. you dont paint the scene or tell us what to see... you let the characters do it for you... it never fails to get me. and every time its so different.

    what i like about this piece is the way it takes a full circle. like the old man is the one doing the questioning when clearly its sposed to be the other way round and then he kinda swicthes to a completely other person offering the police officer tea and kinda lulling him into a false sense of security or something...

    the answer "in an hour" is brilliant.
    poor Al...


    i especially liked your description of his condition and the pissing part. having worked in a resthome with old men and ladies i have seen and heard a whole lotta things... 3am one morning a bell rang and i went to answer it to find a man on the side of his bed bawling his eyes out and apologising because beautiful young girls like myself should not be exposed to such a site. i calmed him down and told him id seen much worse and when we finally got to the point he said he thought he was trying to pee his big toe out thats how much he hurt... poor thing... so yes... your expressing of such an experience made a lot of sense to me.

    your title it witty and well done and i am glad that soon is now once more
    | Posted on 2007-07-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hah! I love the ending, and the title's play on words is hilarious. I was a bit afraid that you were going to go the Poe route (the one about the beating heart), but I was delightfully surprised. An absolutely lovely bit of prose.
    Typo: 'Oh, I’m sorry to hear that sir. What was *her* name?'
    This just makes me giggle. Great job.
    | Posted on 2007-07-22 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
      OOOOOh!


    I really enjoyed that! Straight in there for the kill like said pirhanas!
    There's really snappy dialogue here too, I became instantly in mind of black and white film and the old man's sharp tone. The fish on the spits...wow, where d'ya get it from?
    Short stories can be nightmarish to condense. Your words have brevity and weight.
    I can't offer any suggestions on this at all. Very well done!
    | Posted on 2007-07-21 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    147062

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Carry written by saartha
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    prison written by ShyOne
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    untitled written by ShyOne
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Cover written by saartha
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry