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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Skeleton in the Closetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Imadjinn
    ASL Info:    17/M/Neverwhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 321/322/133
    Words: 274
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 190
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1667



    Description:
       I'm sitting at 6:00 in the morning, and writing this. There's not much really to say about it, but that it is a crazy bit of personification, and I decided to play around a little bit with onomatopoeia.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Skeleton in the Closetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    His bones rattle around whenever you rummage around for clothing in the morning.

    Somedays he even ventures outside, and follows you around, hanging around your shoulder in an invisible aura.

    They always know, even if they can't see his old bones, or his skull sitting above your shoulder.

    You throw them off the trail with a fake smile, thinking happy thoughts, saying pleasant words, and laughing in spite His ivory mask, hovering around your brain in orbit.

    Somedays he keeps to himself, intent to sit and ponder what horrid, wretched things one such as that does.

    One or two of your close friends may one day open your closet by accident, and see the distasteful thing rattling around in there.

    They will ask questions.

    They will know the truth.

    They will move on, and never have to deal with the thing again.

    It will still be there with you, chattering His broken teeth and clacking His terrible hands.

    Somedays he will be malicious, and keep you within his grasp so you feel suffocated.

    He will not relent.

    You will grow up. Eventually, and you will move on. You will have a life beyond your old dusty companion, but he will not go away.

    You will be old, and you will be on your deathbed, and he will be there with you.

    He will lie down, as you tell someone your terrible secret.

    Then, you will die, and He will move on with you, content with knowing that His only companion has been darkness and secrecy.

    Until now.




    Submitted on 2007-07-24 06:01:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hehe, secrets follow us around for our whole lives. We never forget. And they never leave.

    I thought this was a brilliant poem. You described the skeleton very well. You described how he hangs around you and torments you. You described everything well.

    Sorry if my comment seems stupid. I just don't know what else to say right now. I really like, and that is the truth.

    | Posted on 2007-09-25 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there,

    Skeletons in closets: interesting choice of subject. So much to play with, too, the visuals associated with old bones, heavy burdens we each carry, how our demeanour in dealing presents itself to those around us.

    Everyone has secrets and hidden ministrations, I wonder what yours are. What my neighbours' are. What the postman feels. It's better that we don't know each others' secrets until they're ready to be revealed but I don't feel there is much solace in knowing everyone hurts
    I like what you have done with this piece anyway. How you describe the weight of those fusty thoughts like old bones. Especially the part about friends sometimes discovering, and then leaving, our secrets.
    Very true.

    I think you should asses the beginning of this piece: you use 'around' three times in quick succession.
    I would like to read some more between the lines.
    Sometimes the skeletons do leave their chests to lodge within our chests and follow us around. It would be interesting if you elaborated on what prompts those days when your burden cannot stay locked up in its closet, why it must break free and drag upon your heels with every step.
    I'm not sure exactly where the onomatopoeia comes in?
    It would also be an idea to decide whether or not the skeleton should be referred to as an it or a he.
    I think you're on it with It, as you're referring to a secret and not a real person.
    In a similar vein, I don't like the capitalisation of 'His'. Personally I'd prefer to read something like this;
    ...It will still be there, broken chattering teeth and clacking, terrible hands....
    I'd also look at removing some of the filler words (this is my peeve, I say it to everyone) like 'the', 'and' 'or' etc. I've found that some of the most fluid poems are those which abandon such blandness. And in writing about a skeleton, spiky lines pared down to the bone might help to strengthen the sense of macabre gloom.

    And I don't much buy into the ending, about it wraithing you into dotage, remaining there until you die. A bit of a grim look at the situation and not entirely true. Old ghosts can be dumped without the help of Venkman, Slimer & Co.
    Don't get me wrong though, I like this piece and think you wrote it well. Now that the (ack, I can't help it!) Skeleton has been laid out, I'd like to see you autopsy with a view to perfecting the operation you began. A bit like Frankenstein!?

    Good start
    | Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      I found this piece amazing.
    The piece makes my day here on eliteskills.
    I have always heard about skeletons in the closet and how it affects people but the way you have wrote is is just amazingly so well put together.
    It is scary and mysterious and enchanting and so captivating that a reader cannot possibly takes his or her eyes off the screen until everything has been read. I had to read it all and i couldn't stop until i knew what your ending was and a beautifully crafted ending that was. So simple and so well put together. I must congradulate you for i am putting this as a favorite.

    Cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-07-24 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


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