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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shamblesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: poppi
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 72/55/37
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 657
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 579



    Description:
       i'm okay with the first two stanza's but the thrid really bothers me and i think it could be better, please let me know what you think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShamblesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It’s hurting you, but it’s killing me
    Leaning in, I whisper softly,
    “I love you.”
    In this state of shambles it’s all I can do

    In loves lost wreckage
    I stand on a cliff’s jagged edge
    Broken dreams, broken wings
    I can’t escape these things

    My hearts weeps
    My memory seeps
    Too much loss, just too much
    How I miss your lingering touch

    While I’m spellbound, entranced
    Through my heart, you shoved the lance
    I can’t win this war
    Not enough, no more




    Submitted on 2007-07-24 12:59:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey,

    This is a nice love poem. I think you're totally right about the last two stanzas. They seemed forced mostly because of the rhymes you have. I think that what you have right now is not how you want to end it. It seems to me that you were forced to end it in rhymes because the beginning was so nicely done rhyming. But truth be told, the ending doesn't sound what you intended to say but because you were rhyming you felt forced to continue the pattern.

    I think you should write first what you want to say and see how it fits in the rhyming pattern. If it doesn't then i guess you're gonna have to unrhyme it.

    Other than that, i'm a sucker at love poems. I love them deeply because i'm deeply in love myself. This was nice.

    cheers,

    Irina
    | Posted on 2007-07-24 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      That is an awesome poem, it really speaks to me. I hope that whoever you loved loved you back because i know how it feels to say the words and not have them said back so if you ever need to talk just e-mail me at sk8rrchick1993@yahoo.com much love **Sarah**
    | Posted on 2007-07-24 00:00:00 | by hurtbutstilhere | [ Reply to This ]


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