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    dots Submission Name: You said we were soldiersdots

    Author: Porcelaine
    ASL Info:    27/F/Croatia
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 880/703/256
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1098
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1117

       This is written for someone who haunts me and will continue to do so forever. I had a need to write this. Good or bad, I didn't seek for quality in this poem. I just sought for a void to be filled even though that can't be done for more then a few seconds...if I'm lucky a few hours.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou said we were soldiersdots

    You said we were soldiers
    A blaze and an avalanche

    As if nothing was frightening enough
    To strike a unity of two tired ghosts

    Sharing but one single heart
    In a mourn of a loss of another

    At times in dreams I still burn
    And I think you're just a vision

    Sharing lonely thoughts through a storm
    When no one wants to listen

    And the raindrops leave your depths bottomless
    In a dance of a sea foam and the lull of the corals

    You shake violently
    Abysmal and distant at times

    Like a rupture in the universe of translucent titans
    You just stop before you reach a hiding place

    We are soldiers, you say
    And never move another step forward

    I cannot reach you from here
    I cannot reach you

    You scream and I cannot hear you from here
    I cannot hear you

    You said we were soldiers
    Look at us now

    Submitted on 2007-07-24 16:56:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you seem to still have that powerful and emotional voice that you always had before
    i still an entranced by the way you write, the way you seem to push the emotion of the piece into the reader

    you are stunningly wonderful at this
    missed you!
    | Posted on 2007-08-24 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      Arcane and extremely haunting...frankly one of the most haunting pieces that I have read in a very, very long time! excellent! excellent!
    | Posted on 2007-08-01 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Eh? I see your soft side rearing its head. Personal style is important as a writer, and it's crucial that the voice one utilises does not get too personal, otherwise, I think you'll agree with me, the poem loses its quality and effect.
    It's entirely for you to decide whether posting this as a submission to be critiqued was correct, even I posted my untitled [current journal entry] as a submission, before realising it was far too personal and I didn't want comments on it, so I posted it as a journal, then got spammed by requests (both on page and through PM) to submit it so they could Favourite it. But heh, it was too deep.

    This piece is echoing depth, pain, and loss. The worst way to miss someone is to sit next to them knowing they'll never be yours.

    At times in dreams I still burn
    And I think you're just a vision

    Sharing lonely thoughts through a storm
    When no one wants to listen

    if you don't mind can I quote some parts of this? It's deep to you, but I really, really enjoyed it. Twas like I was finally knowing the person, rather than the work produced.

    Cheers, hope I was of help.
    | Posted on 2007-07-25 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      Uh... I know that 'someone' will haut me forever too, and 'fighting' was not enought... is it destiny? The Game Of Gods? The strive to reach something you can't - is this keeping us alive? So many worlds and so little understanding - I think I'm going back to DADA )
    | Posted on 2007-07-25 00:00:00 | by -Lith-Ium- | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah broken is right. This is a good poem. I can totally relate to it as I understand that kind of relationship where you really are close but at the same time extremely distant. Nice one!
    | Posted on 2007-07-25 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      I really really like your voice as a writer. This was powerful. I've never really read anything that fits together like this did. Just the way you formed your sentences ..I felt like i was gently lead through your poem vs. being left to decipher it myself. good work.
    | Posted on 2007-07-24 00:00:00 | by brokensmile | [ Reply to This ]

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