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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EyesOfMight
    ASL Info:    17/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.44 - 11/14/16
    Words: 323
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 143
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1630



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    My love

    This weight, this darkness, is getting heavy my love. I’m not asking to lighten my load, no, no, why should you, my love, suffer to? But no my love, go on, my love, and be happy.

    I can handle this a little longer, I promise. She smiles, she walks away, she collapses. Gasps. Weakly she stands, picks up her bag and moves on.

    Her love turns his head, believing in her strength. He walks away into the fog.

    Her smile is a little forced now, but she walks on, with his trust, with his love, into the clearing.

    Her knees bend a little more as she walks on her way. Her bag sags to one side or the other, trying to rest its weight the correct way. She staggers.

    He looks back, still walking through the fog, doesn’t see anything, he walks on.

    She feels an onlooker, she stands straight, chin up, strong.

    The fog is getting a little thinner, he looks back, nothing

    The on looker is gone, her posture changes, the weight seems to be getting a little heavier, she needs to rest. A river she sees

    The fog is almost gone, he feels strange. Something’s wrong? No, he walks on

    River, she slowly lets her body slide down into a sit. She watches the river, her eyes get heavy watching the flowing. She sleeps lays down. Shallow.

    The fog is finally clear. He looks behind him. Gasps , sighs, then cries. He cries until he falls to his knees. Then runs, runs as far as he can, once again, slowly, fog forms.




    Submitted on 2007-07-25 02:04:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ummm...


    you do realise that you flick from 'persons' just like the flick of a remote control?

    assumably the first paragraph and a bit presented in the first person is some kinda quotated speaking?
    either that or you have to sort out which person you are going to write in and stick to iy.

    i think 'my love' is repeated WAY too many times in the first few lines. it makes it sound silly. like it means nothing. like this piece could almost be a parody. i think you have to do something about that.

    theres a lot of stumbling around in this piece. the way the narrative is constructed. i dont really like it but then... if one was trying to navigate through dense fog perhaps it would be more of a stumbling/fumbling excersize. so in that regard it works but i really do think this piece could be better. more clearer.

    i really like that your sentences are short and sharp for the most part. i like that. it builds up a slight sense of panic in the words. an urgency perhaps.


    your story... what is it...?
    is it that she cannot bear to allow him to accompany her through her pain...? that she will not share her burden with him...? that she is too proud to be weak in front of him...? that she is trying to be brave for the both of them...?
    what...? it is not clear...

    and why does he walk off? does he think she is fine...? has she fooled him well...?

    is her death intentional? it doesnt seem so. it seems she is too tired to think of a responsible place to sleep. does he feel responsible for her death...?

    i think this could be more. it has some deffinate strengths and promise as a piece.
    | Posted on 2007-07-25 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]



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