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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Blue Monk
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1556/457/118
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 824



    Description:
       Ok, I found some old lines and nudged them a bit. I'm a little happier about it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She for whom the angels fell,
    Adam's daughter like a rose,
    charmed from heaven, promised hell,
    sweet fragrance ever will draw those.

    Her beauty everlasting seen,
    captures in a moment's pining,
    like insects who once seemed so keen.
    as if in amber, brightly shining,

    It's futile to resist! She says,
    That flaw for mankind's sake.
    No glory have you seen these days,
    You'll take it to your wake.

    Once given to her majesty,
    your line continues long,
    so close to final destiny,
    detoured by passion's song.

    What is conceived by such a plan,
    tormented by one's brain?
    That man should be without woman,
    can naught but drive insane.




    Submitted on 2007-07-25 16:01:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      well i like this...

    Adam and Eve thing..mmm yes...the woman's beauty, the passion, the tempting...all things to love...but the beauty , the passion, the tempting can also turn bad, be hurtful..

    insects are necessary in the scheme of things...but can be annoyances also..they can bit, sting...as can women...we all experience relationships with ups and downs...love and love lost...

    a ladybug is beautiful..but suddenly will fly away...we get a taste and then she is gone..

    but women balance us...and as hard as we may try to live alone, we can't..

    we are all Adams..in a sense...and we all need our Eves to survive//

    i like the clash in this..the tug and the pull of both sides of the coin...

    | Posted on 2011-02-21 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      First I would like to hear more about her
    relationship with the angels. That sounds
    like it would make for a steamy topic.

    are you really comparing her beauty to
    insects? If so that is a first as far as I am
    aware. I find myself a bit jealous too.

    What is the flaw? Is it the lust of the angels?
    Is she, more or less saying, have at me.
    I want the angel experience just as much
    as you (angel)want the human one?

    Not sure about stanza four, is it about angel
    human hybrids?

    And the last stanza: I take it the angel stole
    your gal, and now you are insane?
    Or is it a lament for mankind in general?
    warning us to beware of angels.
    | Posted on 2011-01-02 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      a very honest poem. I think this hits on passion well, without being overly obvious about it. I have to agree though, when you don't have that someone, "can naught but drive insane."

    The flow was great, as was the rhyme. I've been trying to get down more than AABB rhyme the past couple nights, but still haven't managed to pull off an ABAB yet. Soon though, maybe this will provide the inspiration.

    Thanks for the read, I'll be back for more.

    Guermo
    | Posted on 2008-09-16 00:00:00 | by Guermo | [ Reply to This ]
      charmed from heaven promised hell...

    shiney shiney image...

    distracted me right off from the rest of the poem...

    got me thinking of the Lilith myth (she wasn't just liberated, she was homicidal...and practised infanticide to boot)

    and then i could not concentrate for the life of me on the rest.

    i referenced the woman in amber in one of mine.

    i know what a shameless little hussy i can be when touting my own work, but you might like it.

    it's called 'the Temple Whore'

    if i'm not mistaken.

    wish i could make stuff rhyme, too.

    you make it seem effortless.

    *sigh*

    | Posted on 2008-03-17 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      "can not but drive insane."

    I love how you word everything, especially this last line.
    | Posted on 2007-11-11 00:00:00 | by dark_dreams6789 | [ Reply to This ]
      hey so i am reading some good poems here, in eliteskills lately, i love it
    it made me remember my girl, so thanks for that and thanks for sharing too
    keep writing and if you have time please take a look to my writing i would really appreciate if you leave a comment and definately it goes for one of my favorites!
    peace and love
    and have a nice day
    Victor
    | Posted on 2007-09-15 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      An inspired substitution!
    The lls in wills fits in perfectly with fell and hell from the previous lines.
    (or is that ells? meh...)
    Works better on the eyes, and off the tounge, too!
    Well done.
    | Posted on 2007-08-05 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this early version of your thoughts on the feminine persuasion.
    ;)

    This one has more detail than your re-do...I'm sure its the length that does it.
    You've certainly expressed the same sentiments in both versions.

    I'll nitpick a line from both versions:
    "sweet fragrance always draws all those"
    seems a bit redundant. It could be the proximity of the two all's...
    and as a previous comment noted, it reads a bit awkwardly.
    A synonym for either all or always could eliminate that little problem, I'm sure.


    I enjoyed both versions, regardless.


    | Posted on 2007-08-04 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the theologist who blame Eve for the descent of all humanity would resent this poem. Anyhow, about the poem, I haven't read anything from you in the longest time, and I remember the stuff I used to read from you was really good, but this is decent. I will say it's not your best, but it's still pretty good. I thought it said something good here though, and I like the title you picked for it, because "She", speaks for more than one woman. Anyhow, I did enjoy the rhyming as well, I thought it was good. Thanks for the read.
    Be well,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2007-07-27 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm...this was going alright until the last line. Naught just always seems like a forced word that people use for some sort of aristocratic flashiness, ya know? Anyway, its just something I've noticed over the years, and it's not a personal attack on you, just a word that I feel has run its course and should be shelved.

    The last line in the first stanza seems a little out of place and choppy. I think its because always and all are so close together. Kind of makes one stumble when reading.

    This is a pretty decent rhyming poem. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2007-07-25 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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