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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Skylanddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Meckes
    ASL Info:    18/M/NJ
    Elite Ratio:    5.66 - 137/120/37
    Words: 75
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 86
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 545



    Description:
       Ascendance...
    Consciousness expansion...
    Introspection...
    Deepening of spiritual waters...

    I spend a lot of time these days, as I prepare for college, reminiscing about the best moments of my young life... Few, if any, could ever top walking to the beach at dawn to witness the sunrise while tripping... Never have I felt closer to God.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSkylanddots
    -------------------------------------------


    So travel the foggy road,
    shrouded by dewy grass
    growing deep into space.
    Thin winds flip silence
    like cat eye chromosomes,
    cause ripples on the highway,
    and we, I being me,
    and you, of course,
    being so coarse,
    scream like downed planes
    at the shadow-quiet cove.

    The teens on the island
    fix their dilated gazes
    as we leave the skyland,
    trailing silvery smoke
    over the suspension bridge,
    driving straight into the rising sun.




    Submitted on 2007-07-27 03:39:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like how dreamy this poem is, the way the images and sensations flow and merge to finally end being swallowed by the brightness of the rising sun. And driving into the sunrise, it's like the opposite of riding into the sunset at the end of an old film, as if although you've had a great adventure there's still a whole future to experience rather than a final end; it gives a great sense of youth.

    One nitpick would be that when I read the first strophe as a whole there feels like there's one too many syllables in the final line. I think maybe getting rid of the "quiet" or altering the line to something such as "at the shadow-quiet cove" would give the same impression while providing a better flow.

    Other than that though, I think this is a pretty darn good write.
    | Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I really liked this poem. It's beautiful, and works really well to describe everything. I felt like I was there... Skyland is a great title. Your diction is very well thought out and the words seem to flow very nicely with some nice similarities and just a bit of alliteration. The one part I thought that stuck out was:
    "The teens, eyes dilated,
    on the island fix their gazes"
    It just seems like "on the island" sounds in the wrong place. I think you probably made the sentence flip subject/verb for a reason, it just felt weird to read.
    This piece shines with originality, the beginning starts off very strongly and it pulled me in successfully. You were able to put a lot into a short piece, and your description makes it all the more wonderful. I would definitely say that, "Thin winds flip silence
    like cat eye chromosomes," is my very favorite bit. I enjoyed the read immensely. Great stuff.

    :)
    tennisfuzz
    | Posted on 2007-07-27 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]



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