[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Leaden Endingsdots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 230/384/131
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 646
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 934

       I was instructed to make a personification poem about pencil shavings. This is what I came up with.
    Edit: The title has been changed. I love puns.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeaden Endingsdots

    We pry ourselves apart in cones
    (yellow skirt-hems carefully shaped
    into rows of repeating points,
    damsels dressed to kill),
    drawn to an edge far sharper
    than we could ever hope to attain.
    After all, we desire what we admire--
    or is it the other way around?

    The shiny silver gentlemen take our hands
    and lead us through a dizzying dance,
    stealing our carefully applied makeup
    to paint on their skin as a trophy mark.

    One final spin and we are cast aside,
    fluttering delicately to the floor
    like a fragile flock of tiny sparrows
    buffeted by winter's cold ragings.

    We suddenly find ourselves old,
    mold-ridden skirts tattering
    while our faces crumble apart.

    They love us, we say. They do.
    They won't let us die alone.

    We collapse into dust.

    Submitted on 2007-07-27 15:52:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i commented on this yesterday but it took me so long to write it [too easily distracted these days] that i got signed out and the comment never delievered.
    the story of my life.
    but this was too good not to recomment.

    i adore this.
    ive been watching you the last few weeks and you have been writing some amazing stuff.
    i am jealous lol.

    you are a very versatile writer which is a very good thing. i dont think ive read anything these last few weeks that has reminded me of something else you have written.

    i adore this piece.
    the way you have turned it into such a graceful dance... though the end of the dance turns sour.

    its like a missed lift at the end of the sequence... the lift was sposed to end the piece in glory but rather she is on the floor and her partner has run off the stage mortified so not only does she have to absorb the lights that are getting more harsher and piercing by the second but she also has the burning eyes of an audience ready to ridicule her...
    and she sits there waiting... believing that he will come back, pick her up off the ground, that they will bow and leave together but he never returns and seconds seem like years and the lights and eyes and sighs seem like lazers...

    i think this could be named better but i dont think there is anything wrong with the name you have given it.

    i love that you made dresses out of pencil shavings and silver gentlemen to flirt with...

    given the conditions i doubt mine would have lived up to anything...

    so im gonna keep my eye on you...
    youre destined to take over the world if you keep up this brilliance
    | Posted on 2007-07-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This was wonderfully written.

    I enjoyed reading this very much although i admit, i see a totally different picture from the sharpener.
    What i see as i read your sentences is a girl who goes through prom dancing with her date and she is beautiful. She knows she's waited for this day for a long time so to come simple would be awful for her. So she looks her best knowing no one can tell her nothing.
    Only at the ending of the night or more like the ending of her life when the makeup no longer covers the imperfection she still hopes that people love her beauty only to realize that the prom beauty can crack and turn into dust.

    I don't think it's what you implied but that's what i got from your piece and to me it's still works because i really loved reading it.

    Anyhow, cheers,

    | Posted on 2007-07-28 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Yah, I think Mandolin is right, if you reach the end of the poem, the title almost has nothing to do with the poem, and it almost implies that you are personifying the sharpener, rather than the pencil shavings. I thought this was amazing, you went so far with it, and gave them hope, and knowledge of love, this was brilliant. I love how their existence is from a dance, and a twirl, I really do like it. Amazing job.
    Be well,
    | Posted on 2007-07-27 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      1. The Graphite Morgue
    2. Brothel of Words
    3. Way Laden Lords and Ladies

    I don't know. I could keep at it if you like.
    | Posted on 2007-07-27 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]
      I adore this.

    Yet, it needs a much better name. The title is horrid, distracting. It deserves something more subtle, that would be genius.

    I love it.

    | Posted on 2007-07-27 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Love written by saartha
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Fasade written by jackz
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by ShyOne




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]