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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Angeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: iluvpoetry_1
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 806/439/119
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1098
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 884



    Description:
       this is written after i saw a dark angel chained down and lookin up at the sky! tell me if u like it!
    ~akaila~
    well i mean tell me if u dont like it etheir man jsut comment plz!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Angeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    The struggle to be free
    Seems impossible
    When they have chained my wings
    Grounding me on earth

    I crave to glide with the crowds.
    Soar with the birds
    The weight of the chains
    Is suffocating my body

    I can't breathe

    I used to think it was
    So beautiful. It used
    To resemble a passionate, red rose

    There once was a girl behind this rose.
    Giddy and sassy, always craving more.

    I believe now it is a black rose,
    Thorns coming out on the sides
    There's an angel now
    With a broken wing
    Blood, flowing out of her body
    With each thorn

    Looking up at the sky
    Desiring so badly to
    Glide with the clouds

    ~Akaila~

    2007 Akaila




    Submitted on 2007-07-28 19:24:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Broken wings mend, and Angels always remember how to fly!!!!

    This is brooding, and the muse is a poetic representation of our "down times", which relieves a lot of our remembrances of past depression. I see a lot of passion and talent here.

    Nice work!
    | Posted on 2010-10-19 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      yea, don't get mad at me okies? I think you f.ucking rawk but I just wasn't totally feeling this write...
    I LOVE the concept tho, && I seriously think there's a lot you could do with you- and I know you've got the talent to do it, too. I just think this came out too jumbled, like you weren't following any one (or even just any 10) thought process....
    there's nothing wrong with a longish write you know? I honestly think you need to either expand this one- or maybe just make a part one and a part two??
    For one thing you could be a lot more vivid, make us feel exactly what the angels feeling- show us that struggle in a way that we don't just SEE it, but we become part of it.
    also, I for one, *love* black roses :P
    lol loser, nah but for real.....this isn't awful, it just needs some work, maybe a re-write? lol but I seriously hate doing them too, revising basically sux ass.
    kk well I'm having trouble focusing on anything (but him) right now :( sorries!!
    keep writing tho, I usually like your stuff,
    -Jess
    p.s. happy now? you wanted a comment *so* badly and then went away for 2 days that's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    lame of you!!
    | Posted on 2007-08-03 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      It was Okay ! The flow is off, and it makes it hard to stay focused on the poem.
    | Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by PrettyHeart | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm,honestly,I can't really say that I liked it.There's just too much going on here,and a lot of it doesn't make sense.For example,the very beginning,"the struggle to be free seems impossible" if this angel is chained up and wanting away,then the struggle is not impossible,it is being free that is impossible." I used to think it was so beautiful,it used to resemble a passionate red rose"ok...what used to be beautiful?the next stanza also describes this rose,and is still confusing because no one knows what the rose symbolizes.make it more descriptive "there is an angel now...with blood flowing out of her body"this is so plain and really not descriptive at all.anyone could have written that.don't try so hard.just let it come out,and don't try and sound so metaphorical or souped up.simple can be great too.I hope this helped.
    | Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by ColdinSummer | [ Reply to This ]


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    147343

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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