Plastic Smiles by EyesOfMight

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Submission Name: Plastic Smiles dots

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Author:	EyesOfMight
ASL Info:	17/F
Elite Ratio:	3.44 - 11/14/16
Words:	196

Class/Type:	Misc/Depressed
Total Views:	135
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1125

Description:
So i know this is awful haha... but i promised myself id put up everything i write... at least for a little while... yea.. Thanks !

Plastic Smiles dots

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Hearts beat hot
When mine beats cold
I’m feeling dead inside

I want to smile for you
I want to never be sad again
But I can’t

Can’t you see he haunts me?
I’m not strong enough to go on
I just want to close my eyes one more time

But I cannot because he isn’t the only one
They haunt me too

My greatest horror
The past
Please, don’t look at me

My eyes stay closed
I will not allow you
To look into my soul

To many things running through my mind
I can’t form coherent words
I sit here confused

There is so much that you don’t know
And I don’t think I can ever tell you
I’m to scared, to ashamed

I want to forget,
I need it to go away
But it’s just too potent

So ill put on my high heals
My pretty dress
And smile for you

Lock away those memories
And hope they don’t return
And step into another day of plastic smiles

Submitted on 2007-07-28 21:49:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Its okay, not awful, but not great. A rewrite would definitely help. I'd love to see a more flavorful from you, I'm positive you are capable of it. ^.^ The topic is overall cliché, and I can't really say that you really have brought anything new to it.
But, hey, sometimes we do just need to vent. I can feel the emotion that emenates from your words. Structurally, I'd say that the poem is sound, I like it.
"Hearts beat hot
When mine beats cold
I’m feeling dead inside"
This is my least favorite part, and in my opinion not the greatest way to start this poem. Kind of detracts from it as a whole. And if anything don't ever describe yourself as being "dead inside". It isn't interesting, and it generally just makes people roll their eyes at you.
"My eyes stay closed
I will not allow you
To look into my soul"
My very favorite part of your poem. I love the imagery in it, its beautiful.
I would have used a more colorful word choice, and chose a very different way of describing how felt. But sometimes we just are cliché, and describing it any other way would be untruthful. Only you can truly say if thats the case here.
Well, not too bad overall.

~Jazzy

| Posted on 2007-08-26 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]

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January 10 07
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