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Author: explosions
ASL Info:    -237.6995/she/the library
Elite Ratio:    6.87 - 59 /50 /52
Words: 76
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 813
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 592


written 7.18.07.


with the squinting eyes
of a man who
th[dr]inks too much

breath of whiskey and
solemn silence,

with the tired mouth
of a man who
clenches his jaws too much

dark hair and
ruffled clothes,

dear time
has played tricks
on his hearing

but he's royalty
in his own right
within his circle

he glances up, glares, and growls
'you can't fit me into a
few three-line stanzas'

Submitted on 2007-07-30 01:07:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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I do not really have much to say about this piece, apart from the fact that I enjoyed it very much.
The fact of it being a sketch it truly is, but just enough for us to know the guy you are talking about. Everyone knows him, and anymore information might have ruined that. In other words you did a good job of ending in time.

One little thing:
glances up and glares, growls
It sounds funny, and a bit as if you are making the 'beuty' of words dominate the semantics, which is a shame. I see the rhyme in the line, but it does not really make sense.

Anyhow, nice piece of writing and all best

| Posted on 2007-09-21 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
  oh yes you can!

youve done great here.
last night i just finished a book about irish wife bashing and the start of this piece made me convinced you were writing about this husband in the story...
in some ways this piece is like an alternative ending to the story...

th[dr]inks too much

i ADORE this line!
th[dr]inks... it gives the reader the opportunity to read either thinks or drinks but if the reader is more creative they could read thdrinks which sounds very much like a drunken lisp or change in direction of thought mid word...
its very well done.
but in some ways it seems so out of place in this piece because there arent any more clever little wordplay moments like this one.

having said that... the imagery you have created and the way your stanzas bleed into eachother instead of being their own image or thought is great.

the last stanza is a little hard... the transition between the second last and the last is just a little hard to follow. i think if you were to put 'he' at the end of the second to last stanza it would make the idea roll a little better but thats your call. it just seems a little awkward the way it is.

but i love the idea.
its almost as if you have appealed to all of my senses with this piece... i can see him all drunk and confident... i can hear his growl and "decree" that he cannot be put in a box [or a few 3 line stanzas], i can smell the whiskey, you have made time almost touchable the way you sprinkle it through this piece and i can taste the air curdled with whiskey and delusion.

very well presented piece
| Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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