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    dots Submission Name: 13 Ways of Looking at a Green Eyedots

    Author: sbridges
    ASL Info:    33/F/Los Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 119/119/63
    Words: 266
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1370
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1957


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots13 Ways of Looking at a Green Eyedots


    an alien invasion

    a dimmed GO! traffic light
    makes you wonder
    if it really wants you

    Daisy’s West Egg
    looming inside
    Freedom in the fog

    my favorite color of fireworks
    still flashing in the haze of smoke
    from where i stand
    dragging itself up, and then violently breaking
    like a black seed.

    shimmering 'til it becomes
    the cosmos
    the mystery of life
    so vivid in the darkness

    veins of a leaf
    like a green fingerprint
    on the water

    a mossy lake
    soft, slippery steps
    ‘til it lets you loose
    Ophelia in a dream
    and free

    emerald, and jade stained glass
    those precious stones
    reflected on the pews
    to kneel to
    like a fresh, lit Spirit

    an Easter egg
    washed in green water
    for as long as the hard shell will take it
    always fainter than the pigment
    splotchy like tie-dye

    its just a hard-boiled egg

    i can eat the air and
    drink in the lush foliage
    around me
    the warm tingles
    fuzzy when I see paradise,
    my own private island,
    in that eye
    that I inhabit, needing only
    poetry, and love

    a rustic olive
    from Sicily
    falling from the tree
    smooshed under my foot
    anointing my sole

    loose chartreuse crotchet
    interspersed with fraying threads of
    ruby and gold
    a spiral narrative
    like a Native American God’s Eye

    in double-vision,
    staring back at you

    Submitted on 2007-07-30 10:13:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Like you said, you got talent but you still need to work on your style a bit. This poem for example starts wonderfully, number 1, 2 and 3 are the best lines, then you kinda lose that momentum and get distracted a bit. Writing long poems like this one requires a lot of discipline and endurance that's why I tend to write shorter stuff lately. Don't get me wrong, it's an ok poem, you kinda get that momentum back with number 12 but overall I think you could tune this up a bit, give it some polish, lose some lines, make each stanza stand on its own. Anyway, I remember commenting on your door poem but now I can't find that comment anymore. Maybe I deleted it but no I didn't hate it or anything, I'm usually trying to be very honest in my comments and point out the weak parts. Compliments only don't really make good feedback...
    | Posted on 2012-12-02 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      This was great! I liked the idea and the imagery. It was a great read!!
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]
      Very original! I especially like the ending :) Works quite well!
    | Posted on 2007-07-30 00:00:00 | by silverfragment | [ Reply to This ]

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